It was obviously a Scottish neck and an English axe because it took three blows to part her head from the rest of her body. Breakfast time, on this very day, 8th Feb in 1587, Mary Queen of Scots had her head chopped off. We know this because, as they say “we seen it in the movies“. Kind of appropriate that we watched it at the Hippodrome Cinema in Bo’ness. Just a couple of miles from Linlithgow Palace where Mary was born.

Chop chop

In spite of them taking quite a few liberties with the actualities we enjoyed the film. It’s just the movies after all. However her life was so eventful it’s a little surprising they had to make things up. In case you are going to see it they didn’t actually show the chopping bit. That would’ve been too much. Everyone on the edge of their seats. Will it come off this time? This time? This time??

The problem, as always was religion. It’s odd to think what might have happened if things had turned out differently. What if her first husband Francois, who made her Queen of France, had not gone and died on her? In slightly different circumstances she might have kept her head? What if she had overcome English treachery and gained the British throne? Who knows? Instead of being snivelling members of the EU we might have been vibrant and enthusiastic participants. Okay, okay that’s taking things way too far! The take home message from the film was … back then, it was no fun being a Queen, or even just a queen. There was plenty of both in the film.

When the film finished a scone was called for however we thought  we had been in every café in town. We had reviewed Brian’s Café, and 1884 as well as the Ivy Tearoom. However, just a short distance from the cinema we found yet another, Matty’s Café. Apparently Matthew Steele, who died in 1937, was the architect who designed the Hippodrome cinema as well as many other local buildings. Marvellous how things come together!

Jobsworth

When we arrived the staff, a girl who seemed to be on her own, was struggling to cope with an influx of customers. Like us, they were probably all from the cinema. To be honest, we are not even sure of the name of this place. It’s either Matty’s Cafe or the Bo’ness Bakery, take your pick. We chose the former but we think it’s run by the bakery that has a shop next door. Anyway we had to wait a while to be attended to so had time to look around. It’s one of these places which is kind of summed up by the clock above the coffee machine. No one has quite decided whose job it is to straighten it up. It’s probably been like that for years.

Eventually we were asked what we would like. For some reason I fancied a bacon roll. “All the rolls have gone, we only have burnt ones left”. I asked if that meant I couldn’t have a roll. “No, you can have one but it’ll be burnt“. Okay? Our order, of course, included a scone and before you could say ‘chop, chop, chop’ it was in front of us, lightening fast. My roll was indeed burnt … as black an executioner’s mind. It was also delicious. The fruit scone came with generous tubs of jam and whipped cream and was really quite good. However, in spite of what turned out to be really good cheery service it didn’t quite make the topscone grade. If you are looking for a no-frills kind of place in Bo’ness you could do a lot worse than Matty’s Café.

Irony

Mary’s body was taken and buried at Peterborough Cathedral. However, in an ironic final twist to the tale her son, James VI and I, who became the first king of England, Scotland and Ireland had her exhumed. She now lies in Westminster Abbey next to her cousin, Elizabeth I, who ordered her execution  Can you hear the spinning?

Efficiency

Donald Tusk has said “I’ve been wondering what that special place in hell looks like, for those who promoted Brexit without even a sketch of a plan how to carry it out safely.” We’re with you Donald! As Theresa May goes to the EU yet again she must feel sooooo thankful that the guillotine has fallen into disuse. Mary Queen of Scots, on the other hand, may have wished for something as efficient.

EH51 9NF           tel: 01506 825336          Bo’ness Bakery FB