Confusion

Joyous news, this may be the last scone you have to endure this year. Of course, it’s also an opportunity for us to wish everyone a Merry Christmas but first perhaps we can enlist your help. We are confused! “No surprise there”, we hear you say.

You probably think it’s Brexit, but it’s not! Brexit’s not confusing, its just stupid. No, it’s because we are bombarded with adverts on TV asking us to send £3 to save a child or a donkey somewhere. Plus the news that 600 homeless people have died in mega rich England this year. Okay, you agree, that’s pretty awful, but what’s confusing about it?

Well, while we may feel guilty about all that, we simultaneously pay, ‘The Chosen One’,  the imbecilic Jose Mourinho £18m per season to manage Manchester United badly. Then we fork out an additional £15m just to see him off the premises. Little wonder he has spent the last two and a half years living in a five star hotel. You might say that we don’t actually pay him but of course, in reality, we do, albeit indirectly. Why do we, as a society, do that? That’s what’s confusing!

Are we completely blind to donkeys and homeless people when we would rather pay a complete idiot ludicrous amounts of money for doing something which is of no importance whatsoever? If £3 saves a donkey, get it to do the job! We’re certain Man U would do just as well … or badly. However, we don’t want to worry you just before Christmas so we have come up with an answer of our own.

Andy Murray and Tiger Woods

The world’s New Year resolution for 2019 should be to completely eradicate all professional sport … simple! It only brings out the worst in folk and we think the world would be a much happier place without any of it. Precisely nothing would be lost. Except maybe the Andy Murrays and Tiger Woods with their entourages of physiotherapists, doctors, dietitians and psychiatrists. But that’s not really sport, it’s cheating! Tennis, golf and the like would still be played, still be televised and be even more exciting. Anyway, you will no doubt be delighted to hear that that’s our pre-Christmas rant over.

Tasmanian waiters at the Fork & Mustard

While we were pondering which ridiculous high paid job Jose would end up in next we arrived here, at the Fork & Mustard. In keeping with the ever changing face of Falkirk, up until a year ago this place was called Shy Violet. The lady who welcomed us had one of those super bubbly personalities you immediately warm to. When we asked how she came by the name ‘Fork & Mustard’ we got a fairly lengthy tale about an Italian waiter in Tasmania who kept misunderstanding what was being said to him. He thought he was being asked for a ‘fork and mustard’ whereas they were actually saying unkind things involving sweary words that we couldn’t possibly repeat here. Suffice to say this Fork & Mustard is unique. The only one in the world.

Sweetness

They have the modern necessity, a vegan and gluten free menu. We actually have some sympathy with the guy who killed the cow because it was eating the vegan’s food. Most things are made on the premises. Some from hand me down family recipes “just like granny used to make.” How would granny’s scones be? When Pat’s tea came it was in a rather novel glass teapot that automatically drained and filtered the tea leaves when it was placed on top of the cup. And we thought we had seen everything! Our scone was very good, packed with fruit but we felt that granny had put in a little bit too much sugar for our taste. No topscone but we enjoyed this place very much. It had a great atmosphere, created entirely by the super helpful staff. We will be back.

Open goals

Another thing we are confused about. How does the Labour party manage to make such a mess of opposition? The Tories have given them sooo many open goals. Okay, no one has any idea what they stand for. And, of course, they have shot themselves in the foot so often they should be referred to a self-harming clinic. But apart from that? It’s very confusing! In Tasmania they would probably refer to Corbyn as a useless ‘fork & mustard’.

Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year to all our readers.

FK1 1HX         tel: 01324 637 374      The Fork and Mustard