Matty Steele Café

8 February 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

It was obviously a Scottish neck and an English axe because it took three blows to part her head from the rest of her body. Breakfast time, on this very day, 8th Feb in 1587, Mary Queen of Scots had her head chopped off. We know this because, as they say “we seen it in the movies“. Kind of appropriate that we watched it at the Hippodrome Cinema in Bo’ness. Just a couple of miles from Linlithgow Palace where Mary was born.

Internal view of the Hiipodrome cinema Image — Inside the Hippodrome (picture courtesy of the Hippodrome)

Chop chop

In spite of them taking quite a few liberties with the actualities we enjoyed the film. It’s just the movies after all. However her life was so eventful it’s a little surprising they had to make things up. In case you are going to see it they didn’t actually show the chopping bit. That would’ve been too much. Everyone on the edge of their seats. Will it come off this time? This time? This time??

The problem, as always was religion. It’s odd to think what might have happened if things had turned out differently. What if her first husband Francois, who made her Queen of France, had not gone and died on her? In slightly different circumstances she might have kept her head? What if she had overcome English treachery and gained the British throne? Who knows? Instead of being snivelling members of the EU we might have been vibrant and enthusiastic participants. Okay, okay that’s taking things way too far! The take home message from the film was … back then, it was no fun being a Queen, or even just a queen. There was plenty of both in the film.

When the film finished a scone was called for however we thought we had been in every café in town. We had reviewed Brian’s Café, and 1884 as well as the Ivy Tearoom. However, just a short distance from the cinema we found yet another, Matty’s Café. Apparently Matthew Steele, who died in 1937, was the architect who designed the Hippodrome cinema as well as many other local buildings. Marvellous how things come together!

Jobsworth

When we arrived the staff, a girl who seemed to be on her own, was struggling to cope with an influx of customers. Like us, they were probably all from the cinema. To be honest, we are not even sure of the name of this place. It’s either Matty’s Cafe or the Bo’ness Bakery, take your pick. We chose the former but we think it’s run by the bakery that has a shop next door. Anyway we had to wait a while to be attended to so had time to look around. It’s one of these places which is kind of summed up by the clock above the coffee machine. No one has quite decided whose job it is to straighten it up. It’s probably been like that for years.

Eventually we were asked what we would like. For some reason I fancied a bacon roll. “All the rolls have gone, we only have burnt ones left”. I asked if that meant I couldn’t have a roll. “No, you can have one but it’ll be burnt“. Okay? Our order, of course, included a scone and before you could say ‘chop, chop, chop’ it was in front of us, lightening fast. My roll was indeed burnt … as black an executioner’s mind. It was also delicious. The fruit scone came with generous tubs of jam and whipped cream and was really quite good. However, in spite of what turned out to be really good cheery service it didn’t quite make the topscone grade. If you are looking for a no-frills kind of place in Bo’ness you could do a lot worse than Matty’s Café.

Irony

Mary’s body was taken and buried at Peterborough Cathedral. However, in an ironic final twist to the tale her son, James VI and I, who became the first king of England, Scotland and Ireland had her exhumed. She now lies in Westminster Abbey next to her cousin, Elizabeth I, who ordered her execution Can you hear the spinning?

Efficiency

Donald Tusk has said “I’ve been wondering what that special place in hell looks like, for those who promoted Brexit without even a sketch of a plan how to carry it out safely.” We’re with you Donald! As Theresa May goes to the EU yet again she must feel sooooo thankful that the guillotine has fallen into disuse. Mary Queen of Scots, on the other hand, may have wished for something as efficient.

EH51 9NF tel: 01506 825336 Bo’ness Bakery FB

Scones, Uncategorized

The Angel Cafe

6 February 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Readers are aware by now that we have a global network of correspondents keeping us informed of their scone adventures in far off places. Here we have a tale of every day life in southern Queensland. An Aussie mini scone adventure which is so delightful we can do no better than quote it verbatim.

Country Women of Australia

As always we are “in a rush”, had to get across town to Spotlight to purchase new blinds. It seems like quite a journey through the back streets of Toowoomba. My husband does not like going in straight lines, liking to miss the traffic lights. By doing this I know it takes an extra twenty minutes, but me being the “submissive little wife” I don’t complain! He must have been feeling the distance too as the suggestion for a “coffee” came up. (We don’t do tea so much here in Australia, coffee more our thing!). I am not one to knock back an invitation so agreed immediately!

A scone at the Angel Cafe in Toowoomba — Scone and plastic grass

Here we were Southtown, right outside The Angel Cafe. The popularity of this little cafe wanes from time to time, however there is not much choice enroute to Spotlight. Imagine our delight when we saw ‘scones’ on the menu! We each ordered one and found a table on th

e deck, complete with synthetic grass! Our coffees and scones were duly served – now for the taste test. Naturally the first observation is visually- bet they don’t have scones the size of these in the UK!

I guarantee they would have been 5” in diameter. Very generous serving of strawberry jam (about half a jar I would suggest!), however the ‘cream’ was squirted out of a pressure pack – no clotted cream here. Nonetheless, there was that burnished golden top and on breaking, it appeared light and fluffy. These are all rules the CWA (Country Women of Australia) judges would insist on. Mouth watering visually and flavoursome on first bite. Is there anything more dignified than warm scones smeared with jam and dolloped with cream? Well done Angel Cafe! Great stopover on our shopping mission – what made it even better was the blinds were on special!

We have to admit to laughing out loud at the “submissive little wife” bit. And no, we don’t have many 5″ scones over here. Many thanks to J & P. We haven’t had a scone from Ayres Rock yet, or the Opera House … just saying!

Obligations

What our corespondents, and indeed all other Australians, may be unaware of, is their obligations on March 30th. It’s when the UK becomes a sort of ‘billy no mates’ state after leaving the EU. On that date Australia along with all the other countries the UK has used and abused over the centuries will be expected to come to its rescue.

For example, Scotland will expect Australia to take up the slack on its lost export market in live haggis. This shouldn’t be a problem provided they are contained. Don’t worry a haggis husbandry manual comes with them. We’re unsure how escapees would take to the dry and the flatness, however, should they thrive, a haggis fence maybe the only answer. You may also notice a change in your menfolk. Instead of course, XXXX swilling, foulmouthed specimens you may find exemplary rustic haggis fed men requesting cabers as birthday presents. We do realise you only have rough scrub over there but, by a stroke of good luck, Scotland exports cabers as well. It’ll all be fine! At least, that’s what they’re telling us over here.

QLD 4350 tel: +61 7 4636 3177 The Angel FB

Ordinary, Scones

Offshore

4 February 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 13 Comments

Paul Graham, en plein air on the Isle of Coll — En plein air on the Isle of Coll

One of our photographic friends, Paul Graham, was having a launch exhibition of his paintings at the Annan Gallery. It’s on Woodlands Road in Glasgow. A talented photographer for most of his life Paul has now veered more towards art. He works ‘en plein air’ which is his hifalutin way of saying ‘outside’. Paul does though! He sets his easel up in all sorts of situations and climatic conditions and gets to work, For some of the fab results see his blog. Anyway, much as we appreciate Paul’s work we were really only here for the champagne. Once that was finished there was nothing left to do except go for a scone. Okay, okay, that may seem slightly shallow but at least we were in a good mood for a scone.

Not far from the gallery we came across this place, Offshore, on Gibson Street. We mention the street simply because it was once home to the legendary Shish Mahal Indian restaurant. Back in the day, it used to be one of the few places you could get alcohol late on a Sunday evening. Typical order might have been ‘five chapatis and ten pints of lager‘. It had to close in Gibson Street because of subsidence but is still going strong in nearby Park Street. One of it’s close competitors, the Koh-i-Noor actually collapsed into the river Kelvin. Anyway, we digress!

Cursory wipes

Offshore looks a little bit as if it has been dragged from the Kelvin. A wee bit bedraggled. However this is student territory and since when were students put off by a bit of tawdriness? It had that studenty feel. Lots of folk, who looked like they had been there all day, reading books or fiddling with their laptops. We had to ask for our table to be cleared and cleaned. They did clear it but cleaning was nothing more than a cursory wipe. It needed more than a cursory wipe!

There were only rather large fruit scones available and a request for cream only produced a withering look. Toasted scones were not a problem however and they came accompanied by butter and a sachet of Nashville strawberry jam. We have only ever come across this north American preserve once before in Bob & Bert’s. My coffee cup had a major crack running all the way down but we guessed that they didn’t throw them away until they actually started leaking. I was fortunate in that mine, against all expectations, seemed to still be retaining its contents quite well.

Now you may think that this is all heading in one direction but the scones were damnably good. Warm and soft and quite delicious … even with American jam! We had thought, since they were not doing anything else right, that the scones would be similarly handicapped. However, had it not been for all the other problems these would definitely have been topscones. Maybe it was the champagne?
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Deserting the sinking ship

Offshore isn’t only where the wealthy keep their filthy lucre. It’s also where most people would like to be as Brexit wends its weary way towards some sort of cataclysmic conclusion. We don’t mean this café, we mean anywhere other than the UK. What irony! Principally, it was the north of England that voted to leave the EU. Now, one of the main industries in the north of England, Nissan, has announced it’s abandoning the UK to build their latest model elsewhere. Why? Because of Brexit. The north of England has many reasons to feel hard done by but it had little to do with the EU. It was just a really crappy conservative government here in the UK blaming the EU for its own shortcomings. It beggars belief that we are still pressing on, like lemmings, towards the cliff edge.

A plan

It was mainly old folk who voted for Brexit … young folk cannot remember anything other than the EU. The elderly also denied Scotland its independentence in 2014 … frightened about their pensions, Consequently we have come up with a plan. Everybody who is one year older than me should be shot. This plan will undoubtedly have a few critics however it would mean that most people would then vote correctly … simple! Some older friends might be saying “but what about us?” We realise there’s a downside but as Theresa would say “trust me, I know what is best for the country and this is the only way”.

In such dire circumstances my cracked mug doesn’t seem quite so important any more.

G12 8NU tel: 0141 341 0110 Offshore TA

Scones, Top

Scotts at South Queensferry

31 January 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Just when it seems that our government is hell bent on making everyone unhappy we find a place that specialising in doing exactly the opposite. Perhaps we should explain.

Port Edgar gets the Edgar bit from Edgar Aetheling, the brother of Queen Margaret from whom Queensferry get its name. In my mind, however, it is always associated with my powerboat license. It’s where I got it.

View of Forth Bridges from Scotts at Port Edgar — Road and rail bridges from the terrace at Scotts

Lots of ‘man overboard’ and James Bond type manoeuvres conducted under the two Forth Bridges. At that time the Queensferry Crossing wasn’t even a gleam in the eye of the Scottish Government. That gives you an idea of how long ago it was.

View of Queensferry Crossing from Scotts at Port Edgar — Queensferry Crossing from the terrace at Scotts

First impressions

The last time we were here it was at the Canadian/Scottish themed Down The Hatch, all maple leaves and Saltires. This place, Scotts at South Queensferry, was yet to open. They add ‘South Queensferry’ because no one, except yachties and powerboaters, has ever heard of Port Edgar. Eight years ago Buzzworks Holdings started out in Largs marina with their first restaurant. This is now their eleventh and most recent.

Internal view of Scotts at Port Edgar — Part of the ‘bookable’ restaurant area

Mission statements

Approaching from the car park it doesn’t look too promising. Once inside, however, the somewhat austere industrial exterior gives way to a wonderful warm and beautifully decorated interior. All centered round a large horshoe bar. It’s really busy. Outside there was not a soul to be seen. In here there are tons of folk all eating drinking and generally enjoying themselves. The sound of multiple conversations, the clink of glasses and the buzz of staff quietly going about their business.

Their stated mission is “to make people happy”. Well we would see about that, wouldn’t we! We’re also on a mission and, at the end of the day, it would all depend on the scones whether this duo were happy or not.

Kiwis

The person looking after us was Kasey, a kiwi, spending some time working in Scotland. She had already spent five months working in Elliots in Prestwick but while it was undergoing a £1m refurbishment the company had arranged for her to work here. Hotel and travelling expenses all taken care of. They obviously know how to retain their good staff because Kasey was a delight. When we asked how long she was planning to stay in Scotland she said “until my visa runs out at the end on 2020”. Welcome Kasey, great to have you here.
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Unbookable

We had noticed the scones on the way in, They looked quite big. As we ordered lunch we asked for a scone to share with our tea. Kasey told us. “All scones come with butter, jam and cream but would you like the scone just as it is, gently warmed or toasted?” Never been asked that before! Fab, toasted it was. As we waited for our scone to arrive we could see that all the staff, even though they were very busy, took time to chat and have a laugh with the customers. This is how customer care should be! Scotts even has an area for people who book and another which is unbookable. It’s for people like us who just turn up out of the blue. Genius!

Fish at Scotts at Port Edgar — Scotts’ aquarium

After our lunch our toasted scone duly arrived. Nicely presented, wonderfully warm and with plenty of everything to go with it. Delicious, we were delighted to award a topscone. You might think it was expensive however we had a delicious lunch, tea, coffee and a topscone for under £25, not too bad at all.

If indeed their mission is to make people happy then it certainly worked for us. We were happy, happy, happy. Not something we could say about the current political outlook. As Theresa May goes off to Brussels to flog the horse that died months ago you do feel for the horse. It must be thinking “I’m dead for goodness sake, stop the flogging!” There’s a wonderful irony in Northern Ireland being the obstacle to progress on Brexit what with Northern Ireland being a purely Westminster construct.

Happy again?

At least Corbyn, who has led from the back throughout Brexit, has decided to talk again. Presumably because no one was talking to him … hurragh! Maybe they can just forget the whole Brexit thing and, like Scotts, make people happy again. Even the most ardent Brexiteers might be happy to see some return to normality. Perhaps Buzzworks Holdings should be put in charge of the whole thing.

Nothing changes

Today is the 100th anniversary of the Battle of George Square in Glasgow. In 1919 about 25,000 striking workers, who had petitioned for a 40 hour working week, gathered in the Square awaiting the result. Westminster sent troops and tanks to quell what they perceived as the beginning of a Bolshevik style revolution. No Scottish troops were involved for fear they might side with the strikers. There was huge fear that access to Scotland’s resources might be lost. Gosh, one hundred years on and nothing’s changed!Many thanks to Scotts and our new kiwi friend for a very enjoyable visit. Consider your mission accomplished.

EH30 9SQ tel: 0131 370 8166 Scotts

Ordinary, Scones

Glencoe House Hotel

24 January 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 7 Comments

Donald Smith was brought up in Forres, near Inverness but ended up as Mr Hudson’s Bay Company and owning half of Canada. He became soooo rich even British Royalty welcomed him as a friend. Yes, he was that rich! In later life however he wanted to bring his family back to live in his native Scotland.

View over Glencoe House c1900 towards Loch Leven — Old post card view c1900 over Glencoe House towards Loch Leven – Highland Libraries

Fascinated with the romanticism and history of Glencoe he bought the entire estate in 1895. Then, as a token of his love for his Canadian born wife, Isabella, he built Glencoe House. He even tried to landscape it to look like her native NW Canada. It didn’t work, however, Bella was homesick for Canada and never took to Glencoe House. By that time Donald Smith had transmogrified into Lord Strathcona. He actually wanted to be known as Lord Glencoe but, because of its historic associations, was advised against it. ‘Strathcona’ is a Gaelic version of Glencoe.

Colonsay

He also bought one of our favourite islands, the Isle of Colonsay. A painting by Alan Morgan of one of our favourite beaches hangs in the great hall here at Glencoe House. The current Lord Strathcona still lives in Colonsay House. How ridiculous is it that such titles can be handed on from generation to generation by virtue of simply being born?

Glencoe Lochan

Anyway, this preamble is simply to let you know that Lord Strathcona’s house is now Glencoe House Hotel and for the past few days, for us, it has also been our home. You know that a place is suitable for a couple of illustrious sconeys when you are met at the door by a kilted gentleman bearing champagne. At home in Falkirk we haven’t had any snow at all this winter. Here, at the hotel, there was a full inch. Being ushered inside therefore, glass in hand, to sit in front of a huge roaring log fire was no great hardship.

View of Ben Bhan from the lochan at Glencoe House Hotel — View over Glencoe lochan towards snow covered Sgorr Bhan

It wasn’t all day pampering, we actually went outside sometimes. The Glencoe Lochan was only a hundred yards away and it was where we used to live in our climbing days. In the boathouse to be precise. Concrete floor, no door and no facilities whatsoever but it saved putting up a tent. Happy days, I certainly knew how to treat a girl. Presumably we were made of sterner stuff back then. Apparently the boathouse succumbed to a BBQ incident a few years back so it’s no longer there. Pity, it would have been nice to see it again.

Ice climbing

Just a few miles away, Kinlochleven plays home to Ice Factor, the world’s biggest ice climbing wall. It is 500 tonnes of real snow and is 12m high and we had never visited before. Contained within a gigantic fridge, it’s impressive to say the least. There are also loads of rock climbing walls and bouldering facilities elsewhere in the building.

Part of the ice wall at Ice Factor in Kinlochleven — part of the base of the ice wall at Ice Factor

The cafe at Ice Factor, however, was a scone free zone. What are they thinking about? Not to worry, we had taken the precaution of asking the ever helpful staff at the hotel if we could have some scones later in the day.

So it was that after a strenuous day looking at fabulous views and ice walls we arrived back at the hotel just before dark. We had to sit by the big log fire again … again! Then our scones arrived beautifully presented on a slate cake-stand topped off with biscuits and strawberries. There were two each and they came with loads of jam and cream. Could we eat them all, that was the big question? Somewhat predictably perhaps I did but Pat had to leave one of hers.

Comfy

Sitting here all toasty on a big comfy sofa eating scones it was hard to think that the boathouse was once what we looked forward to every single weekend in winter. It also made you wonder what was wrong with Lord Strathcona’s missus that she didn’t like these much more luxurious surroundings. Things like Brexit and the price of bread had long since been completely forgotten. Unfortunately the scones were rather disappointing with a slightly bread-like taste and texture. We have had much better so no topscone for Glencoe House Hotel. Pity, everything else was perfect.

Lord Strathcona and staff at Glencoe House — Lord and Lady Strathcona with family and staff at Glencoe House

PH49 4HT tel: 01855 811179 Glencoe House

Scones, Uncategorized, weird

Burford House Hotel

21 January 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

When our Netherlands correspondents got in touch to say they had had a great scone we thought, fantastic, our first Dutch scone! It was not to be however. They were on holiday in the Cotswolds and were writing from there. The Burford House Hotel to be precise.

No worries we were very pleased to hear from them so we thought the least we could do was share their scone with other readers. Their report said that the scone was excellent and the surroundings very pleasant. By the looks of it we have to agree, that scone looks good and is nicely presented. Obviously, it cannot be classified without personal testing by ourselves but given their review and the photo it looks like it’s a scone with potential. Next time we are in that part of the world we will seek it out. Many thanks to C and S.

OX18 4QA tel: 01993 823151 Burford Hotel

Bob & Bert’s revisited

We didn’t think that we would be back here so soon. However, having raised expectations over raspberry ripple scones in our last Bob & Bert’s post we felt obliged to go back, test and report. This time there was no problem. Standing in the queue we could see a raspberry ripple scone but this time there were several. They couldn’t have pre-sold all of them, surely! No worries we got one to share.What can one say about a raspberry ripple scone? Obviously they fall into the ‘weird’ category. The pink thingy on top was made of coconut and chocolate and there was a drissle of raspberry stuff over it as well. Inside was reminiscent of a jam doughnut. We quite enjoyed it but once in a lifetime is probably enough.

Bob & Bert’s is one of these places with lots of lifestyle advice. We find this simultaneously useful and annoying. Useful in the sense that sometimes you read one and think .. mmmm? Other times they just annoy because you know you cannot live up to such lofty aspirations. Here we felt we could live up to most of them. This one for instance “this is your life, do what you want and do it often” encompasses our love of scones. We do it as often as we can! Thank you Bob & Bert’s for this advice we assure you of our best endeavours.

There were others we felt we could embrace as well. “Life is simple, open your mind, arms and heart to new things“. We’ve just had a raspberry ripple scone for goodness sake. The last one, however, is probably the easiest of the lot. We are certainly feeling something! Yes, we’re feeling it!

Plan B

Three days ago, after the resounding rejection of her Brexit Plan A, Theresa May was given three days to come up with Brexit Plan B. Today’s the day and you will absolutely never ever guess … it’s the same as Brexit Plan A! Wow, who would have thought! When they meet on Wednesday we are relying on Nicola Sturgeon to get her telt!

Scones, Top

Peacock Alley

17 January 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Hello, hello, the UK here! Is there anybody out there? Has the US gone to war with N. Korea, or Iran, or Mexico? Is there any wall building going on? What about the gilet jaune? We ask because recently we have had no news whatsoever. Wall to wall coverage of journalists asking experts Brexit questions to which they don’t know the answers. The journalists know the experts don’t know the answers but they ask anyway … over and over and over. When they get bored of experts they go and ask the man in the street for answers … aaarggghhh! Such is the state of UK media and politics.

After the most disastrous week ever in the history of British politics, she with no shame, has promised to listen to others. Woopeedoo! Now, rather than take this wondrous opportunity, Corbyn has gone in the huff, refusing to talk. Over the past year he has been half savaged to death by principles jumping up and biting him but he hasn’t recognised any of them. Now he has suddenly discovered one … ‘no talks without a guarantee of No Hard Brexit’! Absolutely brilliant Jeremy. Considering most of your backers voted for exactly the opposite, absolutely brilliant! No wonder the EU is scratching its twenty seven heads.

How to spend money

Let us take you away from all that for just a moment. Today we are on a mission to spend some money. Eh? More difficult than you might imagine. We decided to take a trip into Edinburgh and go see ‘Colette’ at the cinema. The concessionary rail ticket didn’t cost much. The Cameo Picturehouse didn’t cost anything … we’re members. Afterwards we took a bus into the town centre and it didn’t cost anything either. How do you spend money in Scotland? Okay, you’ve guessed … scones. So far we have not discovered anywhere that does free scones, or even concessionary scones but rest assured, when we do, you will be the first to know.

By the way Colette, starring Keira Knightley was enjoyable enough. Beautifully photographed and well acted but, for us, it just never quite got going.

Strutting

Anyway the bus dropped us off right outside the Waldorf Astoria. It was the bus that did it … honest! On previous visits we have gone to the Pompadour restaurant but at this time of day it had to be Peacock Alley. It is situated in what used to be the forecourt of the old Princes Street Station. Peacock Alley gets its name from the original Waldorf Astoria which opened in 1897 where the Empire State Building stands today. It had a corridor where the rich and powerful could strut their stuff. When we arrived there were already several other rich and powerful people there. Things got decidedly awkward for a while as we all flaunted our rival plumage. Eventually things simmered down and we were able to take our seats and order some lunch … and a cream tea.

The station clock at Peacock Alley at Waldorf Astoria, Edinburgh — The old station clock which was always 5 minutes fast and still is.

Paul, who was looking after us and had obviously been impressed by our performance, asked us to go easy on him since he had only been in the job a few days. He was still learning. No problem, all our angst was directed towards the vast tea menu. Eventually Pat opted for Blue Lady. A blend of mallow and marigold flowers and flavoured with grapefruit. I’m not allowed grapefruit so it was the Peacock Alley blend for me. Apparently it’s inspired by the history of the railway station. Lapsang souchong, roasted oolong combined with specially selected Scottish whisky. Normally we just laugh at these descriptions but the Peacock Alley blend did taste a bit smokey with just a hint of train driver’s overalls.

The scones come two by two

We had some lunch and were ready for our cream teas. Unexpectedly, the scones in a cream tea come as a warm brace. Help, would we manage both? Initially we thought “no way” however they were so good we eventually polished off the lot. The warm scones together with pineapple and passion fruit jam and clotted cream were absolutely delicious. Topscone. They weren’t exactly cheap but you don’t get surroundings like this and the services of Paul for nothing. At the end of the day we were able to spend some money … mission accomplished!

Back to the reality and the chaos of Brexit! Perhaps the UK should take a leaf out of Trump’s book? Did we actually just say that? Lock up all our MPs without pay until they come to a consensus. In the circumstances we think that, since the experts are completely clueless perhaps the decision should be put back to the man in the street. Not every man in the street, just the one who wants to stay in the EU.

Just think! If Scotland had got its independence in 2014 we could have avoided all this nonsense. We could just have looked on and laughed like the rest of the world. As The Donald would say … sad! The sooner Scotland ditches Westminster the better … FREEDOM!!

EH1 2AB tel: 0131 222 8945 Peacock

Ordinary, Scones

The Bay Hotel

11 January 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 2 Comments

What a guy, what a hero, what a romantic! He had just seen off the Vikings at the Battle of Largs. Now, here he was riding from Edinburgh to Kinghorn on a dark stormy night to be with his wife on her birthday the following day. The Milk Tray Man would have been proud.

King Alexander III monument near the Bay Hotel at Pettycur Bay — The Alexander III monument near Kinghorn where he died on 18 March 1286

Birthday celebrations

It was not to be, however. His horse fell and he was found dead on the shore the following morning. Alexander III, the last Celtic King of Scots had been advised that the ride from Edinburgh was too dangerous. But would he listen? All Alexander’s three children died young so he left no heirs. The period of instability that followed would eventually lead to war with England. Oh no, not again! When Alexander died Queen Yolande was left waiting in Kinghorn having a memorable birthday for all the wrong reasons. Out of respect for her husband she would not have been sampling scones here at the Bay Hotel. We were however! Not out of disrespect you understand, just plain necessity!

Cream teas

After an exhilarating walk through the rocks and along the sand dodging plummeting witches (more of that later), we were in need of refreshment. We had spotted the Bay Hotel from the beach so we made our way there. It’s a strange kind of place. Probably set up to cater for the huge caravan park that surrounds it. It has a leisure centre with a beautiful swimming pool but we were only looking for one thing … and it wasn’t a swim.

A fruit scone was no problem but when we inquired about cream they asked if we would prefer a cream tea . A cream tea it was. The terrace looking over the river towards Edinburgh on the far shore was very tempting. However, lovely day as it was, still the middle of January so we opted for inside. The restaurant was obviously designed to cater for a multitude rather than just us and one or two others. A little bit soulless. Although not a topscone we thoroughly enjoyed it. We should have sat outside though … the Vikings would have!

Suffice to say that we had a much more enjoyable day in Kinghorn than Queen Yolande.

New profession

We came to Kinghorn for a walk along the beach at Pettycur. It’s all rather beautiful, especially on a day like today. However, we were not that far from the Clock Tower Café in Pittenweem where attentive readers will remember the fate of poor Janet Cornfoot. Yes, this is that part of Scotland where, at one time, all women must have lived in fear of their lives. Hard to imagine that this little town gave rise to a brand new profession … witch-pricking! The holders of these witch-pricking jobs, usually the local clergy, were responsible for inserting long wires into alleged witches in search of pain sensitivity and the presence of blood?? They were also responsible for interpreting the results. Let’s hazard a guess. If they found no blood and no sensitivity to pain, that would indeed have been a witch. Probably didn’t work like that though.
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View towards Edinburgh from the Bay Hotel at Pettycur Bay — Vie from the Bay … Arthur’s Seat in the middle distance

Kinghorn was a centre for witchcraft trials so most of the skilled witch-prickers were based there. As we walked along the beach we could look up at the ring inserted in the cliff face to which witches were chained and burned. If leniency was being shown they were only half burned before being thrown to their deaths while still chained to the ring. The sudden stop snapped them in half.

Many of these witches were accused of meeting with the Devil and, in most of those allegations, the Devil was disguised as a man. Goodness, surely not? Anyway, in 1644, Katherine Wallenge was the last poor woman to be treated in this vile manner. Consequently, all witch-prickers became redundant. Except? No it couldn’t be! We wonder if a modern form of witch-pricking has been resurrected in Westminster.

Return of the witch-prickers

Theresa May must feel a bit like Katherine Wallenge with all her colleagues sticking it to her. However, when it comes to Brexit, Theresa’s mantra that only her deal can deliver the Brexit that ‘the people’ voted for overlooks one vital fact. The people didn’t vote for some highfalutin deal with the satanic EU. Based on the garbage they had been fed by the politicians and media they just wanted OUT… simple! So unless she delivers a hard Brexit she will have failed to deliver what ‘the people’ voted for. “Stop all this silly bickering and get on with it” is what they would say. Of course it would result in the biggest act of self-harm in recorded history. Not exactly sure how they would measure it but we can almost see the Guinness Book of Records folk gathering surreptitiously in the background.

KY3 9YE tel: 01592 892222 The Bay

Telephone news

You’ll never guess what we found round the back of the Bay Hotel. Please don’t ask why we were round there. Yes, you’re right, a K8 telephone box. The K7, like the K5 never made it into production so the K6 which we all know and love was followed, in 1968, by the K8. Made entirely of cast iron, about 11,000 were produced. Now there are only 54 registered as still in existence. Wonder if this one is registered? It was in bad shape but was still proudly wearing the Lion Foundry badge. Okay, okay, we really do need to get a life. While we are on the subject The Pedant has kindly sent a photo of a fully functioning K6 in Stow-on-the-Wold. Made in Falkirk … yeagh, quality!

Ordinary, Scones

Bob & Bert’s

5 January 2019 billpaterson1@me.com 5 Comments

A happy and healthy New Year to you all. We hope you will come with us on our continuing sconological research expeditions in 2019.

Looking back at 2018

What were the highlights of 2018 for us? Well, we collected data on over sixty scones and twenty one of them received topscone awards. We think that’s a pretty good batting average. Some were posh like One Devonshire Gardens in Glasgow, the Connaught in London and Knockinaam Lodge in Galloway. Others were not as posh but great nevertheless e.g the Drift Cafe in Northumberland and Fenwicks in Linlithgow.

We still had great experiences with those that did not receive our highest accolade. The Sundial Cafe in Limekilns, the Scotsman Grand Cafe in Edinburgh and the Pop-up Café in Pittenweem were all wonderful in their own way. Stand out amongst them however, just for location if nothing else, must be the Kerrera Tea Garden on the Isle of Kerrera and the Forth Belle. In fact our 2018 scones all had something to offer even if they were not great in themselves. We certainly enjoyed the whole blogging year.

Fifteen 2018 posts contained telephone box news but our favourite has to be the K3 near Jamesfield Farm. … it was a privilege!

2018 politics

Ooooo! The big news for us was that a member of the Royal family had closed their own car door. Okay, okay it was a brash American recent addition to the family who didn’t know any better. We felt it was significant. Is it for the better? Will she be able to teach other members of the family? Well in spite of the potential for legions of royal door closers being thrown on the scrap heap, we think it’s a sign of real progress. One of very few in 2018.

Brexit, of course, has to be a highlight or a lowlight depending on your point of view. It’s confusing, so to make sense of it all we turned to religion. Eh? Let us explain. If we accept for a moment that, a couple of thousand years ago, God created the Earth in a week. And we also accept (or hope) that He is still working through the snagging list. Always felt He should have taken two weeks. Then we can probably assume that He saw the two World Wars, with 80 million fatalities, as snags with capital ‘S’s. The evolution of the EU however, even with all its faults, must have made Him look down in astonishment, maybe even with a wry smile. All these countries coming together in a spirit of harmony and cooperation … amazing! Then just as He was thinking “Gee, I didn’t do such a bad job after all”, along comes Thatcher spreading seeds of doubt and then Cameron to finish the job. If He has hair He can’t have much left now. At the end of the day, however if He thinks the EU is a great idea that’s good enough for lowly us to think we should Remain!

Enough of 2018, what about 2019?

For our first scone of 2019 we didn’t stray very far. Only as far as our own High Street in fact. The object of our attentions was a flashy upstart newcomer, Bob & Berts. It adds to the plethora of cafés already on the High Street. Turns out it’s a new chain set up in Northern Ireland (Norn Iron as the locals say) by one Colin McClean, a former geography teacher from Portstewart. They have eighteen cafés over there and have just opened three in Scotland. Considering the competition from the big boys likes of Starbucks, Costa and McDonalds this is a bold venture indeed. Is it too bold though? If our experience is anything to go by, we think they will go from strength to strength. It is definitely ‘different’, with a kind of American hipster vibe. The louder than usual piped musac seemed to be a mixture of Mumford & Sons and the Scissor Sisters. Getting the vibe?

Raspberry Ripple

Our experience was mixed however. We asked for the last raspberry ripple scone they had. It had a kind of pink macaroon thingy on top. Why not start the year with a dangerous scone after all? Everything was fine. However, by the time we had got our tea and coffee, we were informed that our scone had been sold to a another customer. It was still sitting there staring us in the face! Their system however meant that someone ahead of us in the queue had already bought it. But it’s still there!? Takes a bit of figuring out. They would actually allow us to purchase an apple and cinnamon scone, a cherry scone, a plain scone or a fruit scone. The eventual decision was a fruit scone but the raspberry ripple one was still there … arrgghh! Probably a lucky escape. Anyway, having survived all this trauma we took a seat in a couple of large comfy wing-backed leather chairs and set about sharing our fruit scone. We enjoyed it, however, the butter was from Ireland and the jam was from Nashville, Oregon? Don’t mind the butter, it’s an Irish company after all … but the jam?? That’s a big carbon footprint for jam! No topscone. We consoled ourselves however in the knowledge that, had they actually sold us the raspberry ripple scone, it would have fallen into the weird scone category and not won an award either. This new addition to our High Street is just that little bit different. We also have a huge soft spot for N. Ireland where we lived for seven years, so we wish Bob & Bert’s all the very best for the future.

News

Not much news at this time. The mighty Apple seems to be struggling a bit because of Trump’s trade war with China. Trump isn’t worried, he thinks that 2019 is entirely down to him … the highest numbered year ever … higher than Obama’s!

FK1 1DU no phone Bob and Bert’s Coffee

ps: Having raised your curiosity we are now feeling guilty. We may return to the raspberry ripple scone another day. Watch this space.

Ordinary, Scones

The Fork & Mustard

21 December 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 7 Comments

Confusion

Joyous news, this may be the last scone you have to endure this year. Of course, it’s also an opportunity for us to wish everyone a Merry Christmas but first perhaps we can enlist your help. We are confused! “No surprise there”, we hear you say.

You probably think it’s Brexit, but it’s not! Brexit’s not confusing, its just stupid. No, it’s because we are bombarded with adverts on TV asking us to send £3 to save a child or a donkey somewhere. Plus the news that 600 homeless people have died in mega rich England this year. Okay, you agree, that’s pretty awful, but what’s confusing about it?

Well, while we may feel guilty about all that, we simultaneously pay, ‘The Chosen One’, the imbecilic Jose Mourinho £18m per season to manage Manchester United badly. Then we fork out an additional £15m just to see him off the premises. Little wonder he has spent the last two and a half years living in a five star hotel. You might say that we don’t actually pay him but of course, in reality, we do, albeit indirectly. Why do we, as a society, do that? That’s what’s confusing!

Are we completely blind to donkeys and homeless people when we would rather pay a complete idiot ludicrous amounts of money for doing something which is of no importance whatsoever? If £3 saves a donkey, get it to do the job! We’re certain Man U would do just as well … or badly. However, we don’t want to worry you just before Christmas so we have come up with an answer of our own.

Andy Murray and Tiger Woods

A tea cosy at the Fork & Mustard Café, Falkirk — Fork & Mustard tea cosyt

The world’s New Year resolution for 2019 should be to completely eradicate all professional sport … simple! It only brings out the worst in folk and we think the world would be a much happier place without any of it. Precisely nothing would be lost. Except maybe the Andy Murrays and Tiger Woods with their entourages of physiotherapists, doctors, dietitians and psychiatrists. But that’s not really sport, it’s cheating! Tennis, golf and the like would still be played, still be televised and be even more exciting. Anyway, you will no doubt be delighted to hear that that’s our pre-Christmas rant over.

Tasmanian waiters at the Fork & Mustard

While we were pondering which ridiculous high paid job Jose would end up in next we arrived here, at the Fork & Mustard. In keeping with the ever changing face of Falkirk, up until a year ago this place was called Shy Violet. The lady who welcomed us had one of those super bubbly personalities you immediately warm to. When we asked how she came by the name ‘Fork & Mustard’ we got a fairly lengthy tale about an Italian waiter in Tasmania who kept misunderstanding what was being said to him. He thought he was being asked for a ‘fork and mustard’ whereas they were actually saying unkind things involving sweary words that we couldn’t possibly repeat here. Suffice to say this Fork & Mustard is unique. The only one in the world.

Sweetness

They have the modern necessity, a vegan and gluten free menu. We actually have some sympathy with the guy who killed the cow because it was eating the vegan’s food. Most things are made on the premises. Some from hand me down family recipes “just like granny used to make.” How would granny’s scones be? When Pat’s tea came it was in a rather novel glass teapot that automatically drained and filtered the tea leaves when it was placed on top of the cup. And we thought we had seen everything! Our scone was very good, packed with fruit but we felt that granny had put in a little bit too much sugar for our taste. No topscone but we enjoyed this place very much. It had a great atmosphere, created entirely by the super helpful staff. We will be back.

Open goals

Another thing we are confused about. How does the Labour party manage to make such a mess of opposition? The Tories have given them sooo many open goals. Okay, no one has any idea what they stand for. And, of course, they have shot themselves in the foot so often they should be referred to a self-harming clinic. But apart from that? It’s very confusing! In Tasmania they would probably refer to Corbyn as a useless ‘fork & mustard’.

Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year to all our readers.

FK1 1HX tel: 01324 637 374 The Fork and Mustard

Chop chop

Jobsworth

Irony

Efficiency

Country Women of Australia

Obligations

Cursory wipes

Deserting the sinking ship

A plan

First impressions

Mission statements

Kiwis

Unbookable

Happy again?

Nothing changes

Colonsay

Glencoe Lochan

Ice climbing

Comfy

Bob & Bert’s revisited

Plan B

How to spend money

Strutting

The scones come two by two

Birthday celebrations

Cream teas

New profession

Return of the witch-prickers

Telephone news

Looking back at 2018

2018 politics

Enough of 2018, what about 2019?

Raspberry Ripple

News

Confusion

Andy Murray and Tiger Woods

Tasmanian waiters at the Fork & Mustard

Sweetness

Open goals

by Bill and Pat Paterson and is about finding good scones throughout the world, with a little bit of politics