Today we are in Darnley Coffee House. Built in the 16th century it’s had a long and chequered history. At one time it served as a rather famous brothel and now it’s said to be troubled by poltergeists … you know, things that go bump in the night! Apparently, however, it takes its name from Lord Darnley whose home it used to be. He was Mary Queen of Scots second of three husbands. Of little import, you might think, when scones are in question! However, a brief bullet-point history may help readers understand the sort of dramas this place (and its scones) may have witnessed back then!
- Mary became Queen of Scotland when she was six days old. She was crowned and spent the first four years of her life just a few hundred yards away from Darnleys Coffee House in Stirling Castle.
- In 1558, aged 15, she married the 14 year old Dauphin Francis of France and became Queen of France as well as Scotland when his dad died a year later. She was sixteen.
- King Francis died when she was eighteen whereupon she was sent back to Scotland (no offspring had transpired so no longer required)
- Four years after returning to Scotland she fell head over heels in love with her half cousin, Lord Darnley (in whose house we are currently eating scones – albeit the stables of the house)
- Darnley turned out (like a lot of Lords to this very day) to be a bit of a waste of space so Mary ended up pretty much disregarding him.
That old chestnut – jealousy!
- Darnley became jealous of Mary’s Italian private secretary David Rizzio. Darnley thought, wrongly, that Rizzio may have been responsible for his wife being pregnant.
- Darnley, aided and abetted by Lord Bothwell stabbed Rizzio fifty six times in the Queen’s bedchamber in Holyrood Palace. The blood stains are still there! Then, for good measure, they kicked him down the stairs … Rizzio was dead!
- Later, Darnley was living at Kirk o’ Field in Edinburgh when it was blown up. He was found dead in the garden. The body, however, was unharmed … he had been suffocated!
- In 1567 Mary visited her and Darnley’s son James, in Stirling Castle (he was only ten months old). Mary never saw her son again.
- Mary was forced to abdicate and her son became King of Scotland and England when he was thirteen months old (can it get any weirder?)
- Yes, Lord Bothwell, surprise, surprise, turned out to be another waste of space. He abducted and raped Mary in Dunbar Castle. After being divorced for a full twelve days Bothwell forced Mary to marry him in 1567. You’d never guess that he had an ulterior motive! She later miscarried twins while imprisoned in a castle on a tiny island in the middle of Loch Leven.
- A year later she escaped and raised an army to fight the Battle of Langside.
- Ten years later Lord Bothwell, imprisoned in a Danish castle, died having gone completely insane.
- Because Mary was Catholic and had a legitimate claim to the English throne she spent 19 years imprisoned in various castles in both Scotland and England.
- In 1587 at Fotheringhay Castle, Mary, aged 44, had her head chopped by her cousin Elizabeth I (not actually by Elizabeth – she got someone to do it for her)
Learning outcomes
Readers who have persevered so far will, if nothing else, have learned two things 1. Lords are generally a waste of space 2. Castles are useful for all sorts of things. Nothing about scones though … unless, of course, you continue reading!
Alluring
Earlier in the day we had been to see an old black and white movie “The Edge of the World” supposedly set on remote St Kilda. In 1937 they couldn’t get permission to film on St Kilda so resorted to producing the film on the equally remote island of Foula in the Shetlands. For me, St Kilda is unique in that it seems to become even more alluring after you have visited. Nowhere else has had that same affect. Anyway, the movie was highly unrealistic but remarkable in that they got the technology of the age to work at all in such a remote place.
Wee stills
After that we visited Stirling Distillery. 
I was puzzled how such a small distillery was able to produce any whisky at all. Turns out they can only do very small batches. Their first produce won’t be ready until 2027. And there won’t be much of it even then … probably about 300 bottles. When we saw the stiil it all started to make sense ,… it’s tiny! Let’s hope they can make it commercially viable. Meantime, gin sales willl have to keep the whole thing going. We bought a bottle of their nettle gin then we headed a little way down the street to Darnleys Coffee House.
I was puzzled how such a small distillery was able to produce any whisky at all. Turns out they can only do very small batches. Their first produce won’t be ready until 2027. And there won’t be much of it even then … probably about 300 bottles. When we saw the stiil it all started to make sense ,… it’s tiny! Let’s hope they can make it commercially viable. Meantime, gin sales willl have to keep the whole thing going. We bought a bottle of their nettle gin then we headed a little way down the street to Darnleys Coffee House.
The first thing you notice is the barrel vaulted ceilings. They don’t do them like that any more. Like the distillery, it’s small and easily managed by just two or three very friendly staff who seem to take a real pride in what they do. 
Having had quite a busy day of watching movies and visiting distilleries we felt in need of sustenance. Lunch was plentiful and absolutely delicious! The question was, could we manage a scone as well?
Cream tea
Well, you know the answer to that. 
They offered a cream tea which came with two scones … one each. They were a bit bigger than expected so, at first, we thought we had been a tad ambitious. No worries, they were nicely presented, warm and just as delicious as our lunch had been. In no time they were nowhere to be seen! We dithered a little over a topscone award but eventually decided that they just made it. Well done Darnley Coffee House,
They offered a cream tea which came with two scones … one each. They were a bit bigger than expected so, at first, we thought we had been a tad ambitious. No worries, they were nicely presented, warm and just as delicious as our lunch had been. In no time they were nowhere to be seen! We dithered a little over a topscone award but eventually decided that they just made it. Well done Darnley Coffee House, 
Hostages?
There’s a tiny flicker of humanity appearing in the Israel/Gaza war. A brief ceasefire has been agreed, conditional on the release of Israeli hostages held in Gaza. Israel calls its Palestinian hostages ‘prisoners’ and has published the names of 300 potential releases. Only half that number will actually be released … how thoughtless and cruel is that?
Dead right or right dead?
Isn’t it odd that every war is fought between people who honestly believe they are ‘right’. Or, at least we’re not aware of any war being fought with one side believing they’re wrong. God is always on both sides! War doesn’t make any sense unless both sides are ‘right’ … but then that doesn’t make sense either? And they never end with one side being proved wrong … just dead! On that basis Israel will win this war, not because they are ‘right’ but just because the Palestinians are dead … what a fab solution! You would have thought, with 80 million deaths in WWII, us homo sapiens would have learned something?
Okay, that’s it, Pat and I need to get on with our cosy little lives!
FK8 1BS tel: 01786 474468 Darnley Coffee FB
///press.rewarding.indoor
If you love this place, it’s available to buy- £250k freehold, it’s been on the market for at least 6 months, maybe a lot longer, so you might get a bargain.
https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/136225283#/?channel=COM_BUY
I’m guessing that the Palace of Holyrood House might have a few sets of bloodstains in different places.
When I was on a behind the scenes tour a couple of years ago, we saw “original blood stains from several hundred years ago “ which had somehow managed to still be visible on the new floorboards, which were only a few years old!
Think you should buy it John, you’ve nothing better to do after all. As far as the blood stains go I thought I was the only one that knew they were regularly refreshed … didn’t want to spoil the story 😀
Excellent.
👍🏻
‘her son became King of Scotland and England when he was thirteen months old’
I think Elizabeth might have had something to say about that, too – he wouldn’t have had the chance to be King of England in 1603 if she’d had him beheaded.
Great to hear from the Pedant again. Couldn’t be bothered to explain all that but yes, James VI didn’t become King James I of England until 1603.
It was quite a full day one way or another. Finishing off with our lunch and scone here in Darnley coffee house, it was a top scone and a lovely wee coffee house. Unfortunately they didn’t sell Henry’s Coffee but maybe in the future. I haven’t tried the gin yet but I’ll look forward to it.