You know you are at Claridge’s when, to get across the street, you have to negotiate your way through loads of Bentleys and Aston Martins. Then, when you get to reception you have to decide between an ordinary room at £550 per night, or a suite  .. dilemma! Eventually we thought a £3,500 suite would be comfortable enough for one night. Then we discovered that breakfast was going to be an additional £80 … arrgghh. And everything had been going so well.

The Scot in us suddenly came racing to the fore and, you guessed it, we ended up just going for a scone. Not just any old scone, mind you, a full afternoon tea in the form of a much anticipated present from a couple of thoughtful and generous readers .. hint, hint.

Hen’s teeth

Diligent readers will have noted that over the last few months, topscone awards have been as rare as hen’s teeth, so we were feeling pretty excited and confident. If hen’s teeth were going to be found anywhere, it would be here.

Excitement is not something that Claridge’s does. The atmosphere, in the rather splendiferous 1930’s art deco Foyer, is one of intense calm. Disturbed only by the soft sounds of the pianist and cellist playing selections from Beethoven and Bublé. Pat always blends effortlessly into such luxurious surroundings – a sign of good breeding no doubt. Whereas I tend to feel more comfortable towards the greasy spoon end of the market.

Cannot believe I have just mentioned a greasy spoon in this context. If such an item was found here some member of staff would immediately be taken out and unceremoniously shot. As serious sconeys, however, whose sole raison d’être is to inform our readers about scones at all levels, we felt it had to be done. Regardless of personal sacrifice. The menu will give you an flavour of what had to be endured.

Pièce de résistance

here’s no doubt that these sandwiches, helped down with lashings of champagne, were probably the best we have ever tasted. Superb, we ate every last crumb. The glaringly empty plate prompted them to ask if we would like more. Of course, we had to conserve some space for the pièce de résistance .. the scones. We politely declined.

Iron Goddess

Before that we had to choose from a couple of dozen teas from around the world. Pat plumped on China White Peony with ‘hints of peach and apricot‘ and I went for the Iron Goddess Of Mercy, a gentle flavoured oolong which is high in caffeine and recommended as ‘the perfect afternoon pick-me-up‘. Ideal for me after having been awake all morning.

Tea for enemies

The tea comes served in teapots that only hold one cup. When you want more they go and get more hot water and each infusion is supposed to improve each time. We were told by our Chinese waitress. ‘The first cup is for your enemies, the second cup for your wife and the third cup is for yourself’. Just as well we were both drinking different teas as I’m pretty sure Pat would not have been happy being given the second cup. The scones! Apparently ‘Claridge’s scone recipe is a timeless classic refined over generations‘. They have ‘a soft yielding texture and a colour of warm white gold‘ and are served with Cornish clotted cream and tea scented Marco Polo gelée … ‘the perfect complement to the scone‘. Nothing as common as jam here!

Malawi Antler

They were not far wrong, it was all excellent. However, rather than being the clear and easy decision we had expected, we had to deliberate for a bit on whether they qualified as topscones or not? The presentation of course was excellent but the scones themselves were not quite up to Fonab standards. Of course Fonab is top of the tree so the answer was yes, phew! Because we are unlikely to be taking tea here again any time soon, for my final cup I changed to the Malawi Antler. A tea which is ‘unspeakably rare’ and in the UK can only be found at Claridge’s. It had to be done. It was very nice. Though the antlers (tea shoots instead of leaves) which ‘wonderfully express the earth of Malawi’ was a bit lost on my decidedly uneducated palette.

Fudge

The rest of the afternoon was taken up with cake scoffing, and generally watching the world go by. What a fabulous way to spend the day. Many many thanks to our very generous benefactors. Before we left this cocoon of peace and calm our waiter rushed off to get us a present. Two little boxes of Claridge’s fudge. Judging by his performance over the ‘new deal’ and the EU referendum we think Cameron has been given several mega boxes.

W1K 4HR       tel: 020 7629 8860        Claridges