Category Archives: Ordinary

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Ordinary, Scones

The Greengrocer Café

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 The logo of the Greengrocer café, StirlingBack in the day when Scotland was a proud, honest and self-respecting country rather than the rather sad colony it has become, the town of Stirling epitomised the struggle between Scotland and its southern neighbour. Its very name means ‘place of strife’. From 1296 onwards the town was frequently occupied by English forces only for them to be driven out by the Scots some time later. It has gone back and forth like a fiddler’s elbow ever since. It could be argued, it is currently under English occupation. Scotland, even with its own government in Edinburgh, has scant say over its own affairs.

Never mind all that though, we are here to do some important stuff … shopping. The short rainy trip to Stirling had become necessary because of the mere fact that there are relatively few large stores left in Falkirk. It has been badly hit by the online revolution. The same shops, however, still seem to thrive here in wealthier Stirling. There’s always been a ‘friendly’ rivalry between Falkirk and Stirling, a bit like that between Glasgow and Edinburgh. Traditionally, Falkirk with its much bigger population and heavy industries made the money: a bit like Glasgow, while Stirling, retained much more strategic and political clout:a bit like Edinburgh.

Rumbling tums

Anyway, after a wonderful few hours of retail therapy in the Thistles Shopping Centre we began to feel a little peckish. This shopping centre is the only one in the world to feature its own 16th century  jail, the Thieves Pot. All very well if you fancy a spot of incarceration but does zilch for a rumbling tum. In fact the entire Thistles Centre seemed to do little in the way of restaurants or cafés. Just wall to wall retail outlets. A short walk along Port Street, however, led us here to the Greengrocer Café. A delightful mix ofA scone at the Greengrocer café, Stirling café, delicatessen and greengrocery. It’s tucked away down a little lane. A nice feature is the large communal table in the main shop. However we decided on a smaller one in the main café area at the back.

The staff welcomed us warmly and we immediately took a liking to the place. Nice atmosphere, a wide range of food on offer and homemade cakes to die for. Pat was lusting after a ginormous strawberry pavlova in such a way that I had to remind her, in no uncertain terms, of her sconological duties. We ordered a light lunch followed by a shareable fruit scone. Everything was excellent and our scone was no exception. The only downside was the cream.

Alstroemeria table decoration at the Greengrocer café
Alstroemeria table decoration

They had said it was whipping cream however it seemed more like the scooshie stuff to us. It was okay but, unfortunately went a bit watery, shame! But for that relatively minor issue this could easily have been a topscone.

HAL

When we finished our scone it was back out into the wet for our journey home only to be told, on the car radio, of the demise of Douglas Rain .  Brexit and Californian forest fires were suddenly of little importance. Now, some of you may not be aware of the significance of Rain’s passing but his was the voice of HAL, the computer in Stanley Kubrick‘s, 2001: A Space Odyssey.  HAL had a mind of its own and back in 1972, we gave our first ever car, a Citroen Dyane, which also had a mind of its own, the same name. Tears were shed when HAL eventually went to the great garage in the sky. Now his voice has gone too. As Trump would say … sad!HAL, our Citroen Dyane in 1973FK8 2ER      tel: 01786 479159        The Greengrocer Café FB

Ordinary, Scones, weird

V&A Dundee Living Room

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Recently, much has been written in praise of the new V&A Dundee museum of design on the city’s waterfront. Of course, the pictures of the building always look spectacular.

External view of the V&A Dundee Design Museum
the V&A with Captain Scott’s ship, Discovery on the right

Our visit was mainly driven. however, by the fact that we had driven past the building before it was opened in September and were curious to see what wonders could be contained within such an striking building. Of course, there was always the possibility that amongst these wonders a scone or two might linger. External view of the V&A Dundee Design MuseumSo it was with much anticipation that we drove north on an overcast but very mild day. It has to be said that it’s a major achievement for all involved that this £80m venture has been financed and brought to fruition. A large part of the funding came from the National Lottery. What did the government do before they facilitated gambling on an industrial scale? Without the Lottery Fund and the EU we don’t think anything would have been built in the UK in the past twenty years.

Pots of marmalade

The approach to the building, designed by Japanese architect Kengo Kuma inspired apparently by cliffs in Orkney, is impressive as is the space into which you enter. It’s vast. Internal view of the V&A Dundee Design MuseumWe wandered round all the exhibits with a growing sense of bemusement. There did not seem to be a defined storyline or any sense of continuity. Just a series of individual and not necessarily connected exhibits e.g. pots of marmalade and engine designs for the Queen Mary ocean liner.

Internal view of the V&A Dundee Design Museum
One of the style rooms

 

There was, however, a Scottish theme – the Beano comic, Alexander McQueen fashionista and the story of tartan but all a bit disjointed. This is one of Scotland’s newest cultural centres but, at the end of the day, we just didn’t ‘get it’. We felt confused by the use of space and uninspired by many of the exhibits. The reconstruction of Charles Rennie Macintosh’s Ingram Street tearoom was one of many exceptions however. Rescued after it was demolished in 1907 and kept in storage ever since, it’s fantastic that it has found a new life here at the V&A … no scones though.

Scone exhibits

Overall though it seemed, to us, like a triumph of academia over common sense. However you always new  that we were cultural philistines anyway so perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised. One thing they did get right … all the scone exhibits were in the café area known as The Living Room. Internal view of the V&A Dundee Design Museum

Even this café had been ‘designed’ to within an inch of it’s life and was also a bit weird e.g. our name was painstakingly written on our paper cups for collection at the cash desk but we still managed to be given “Mrs Robertson’s”? We weren’t impressed and neither was Mrs Robertson.  A scone at the V&A Dundee Design MuseumA banana and chocolate scone was the object of our desires. Another triumph of academia over common sense.

What sort of jam do you have with such a scone, or do you have jam at all. Such are our day to day dilemmas. Blackcurrant was the answer though not necessarily the right answer. Although people have been eating off round plates since the beginning of time (presumably that is the most practical shape) because this place is a temple to design, our plates were long and thin and pretty awkward to use. Yet another triumph of academia over .. we won’t go on! We were creamless and the scone itself was relatively tasteless in spite of it’s exotic contents. The whole plastic cutlery, paper cup experience was totally out of keeping with such a ‘quality’ environment. Inexplicable and headbangingly frustrating … a bit like the museum itself. External view of the V&A Dundee Design Museum

Clipping wings

As we write, America’s Plonker In Chief, is having his wings clipped. He has lost control of the House of Representatives. Not particularly great news for Trump but at least the US and the rest of the world can breathe a little more easily. Unfortunately, in Dundee, the closure of the Michelin tyre factory with the loss of 850 jobs, has just been announced. A hammer blow for the city. This sparkly new V&A will be no substitute for that loss.

DD1 4EZ         tel: 01382 411611          V&A Dundee

Useful link: things to do in Dundee

Ordinary, Scones, self-service

London Wetlands – Revisited

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From one nature reserve to another. Our previous post was from Vane Farm in Scotland and this one is London Wetlands – Revisited. We have reviewed its scones before but that was back in 2016, just a few weeks after the EU referendum. Back then we reported that London, like Scotland, voted overwhelmingly to remain and that feelings were running pretty high. A nation divided! This time we can report that nothing has changed in the two intervening years except that now we have only a few months to go before having to apply for a visa to visit France … arrgghh!. There is an air of disbelief that, even though the vote was won on the basis of momentous lies and Mr Brexit’s, (Arron Banks), colossal and suspicious funding  of the Leave campaign, we are still no nearer knowing what the consequences of leaving will be.

Brexit scones

Enough! … what about the scones, will they be affected by Brexit? We are here at the Wetlands because we had to deliver a certain mini-person back to her home which is just a short walk away from here. Nothing stands still here and we found many new additions to the already superb attractions on offer. It is still the only wildlife reserve we know of that has a three story bird-hide with a lift. Lego animals at London Wetland Centre

At Vane Farm we had to take part in a Halloween based competition but this time our task was to find all the animals in the reserve made from Lego. We had to find the animal then mark down the number of lego bricks it took to build it e.g. do you know how many lego bricks it takes to build a life sized flamingo? Thought not! We had added a four year old to go with our five year old mini-person so, with two mini-people, we had lots of valuable assistance. Interior view of London Wetlands Café

Extra health

Assistance also came in the form of a scone when we took a break for lunch from the beautiful but bitterly cold weather outside. The self-service cafe had also undergone a makeover with a brand new colour scheme and seating arrangement. It’s always busy, busy! A scone at London Wetlands CaféThey have a counter where kiddies can fill a small plastic bucket with anything they want, mostly healthy options, for £5. Good fun for them and simplicity for grown ups. Talking of healthy options, the scones were blueberry with a little pot of strawberry jam … lots of fruit in both. We passed on the Rhoddas Cornish clotted cream. The blueberries made the scones wonderfully moist so that they hardly needed jam. However, we used it anyway … just for extra health! Not quite topscone material but very enjoyable nevertheless.

Interior view of London Wetlands Café
even the birds come in to eat!

 

We covered almost the entire reserve and the flamingo was the only one we couldn’t find. Eventually after much to-ing and fro-ing we discovered it. It was in the middle of the shop that you have to go through on the way out. A bit sneeky! Interior view of London Wetlands CaféAnyway, for your information, it takes 3100 lego bricks and 80 hours to build a life sized flamingo. Remember, you only get this sort of essential information on allaboutthescones.com! No lollipops this time for completing the competition … boo! Just the chance to win a place on a lego animal building course.

Abominations

Suffice to say that the Conservative and Labour parties may well be better employed going on one of these Lego courses for all the good they are doing elsewhere. Goodness knows what sort of horrific monsters they would produce though! In answer to the other burning question, we think scones will benefit from Brexit. And we say that as staunch Remainers. Logic dictates that once we have stopped all foreigners coming into the country and selling their rubbish food (croissants and the like) in cafés across the land, we will only have quaint little chintzy tea-shops selling scones and other civilized British food. An added bonus will be the removal of the acute accent from the word café … and all other such abominations! Hurrah …  ‘Cry God for Harry, England, and Saint George!’

SW13 9WT      tel: 020 8409 4400        London Wetland Centre

Ordinary, Scones, self-service

Vane Farm Café

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.As relatively keen birdwatchers we have been to this RSPB Reserve and Vane Farm Café at Loch Leven many times before however it’s been a couple of years since our last visit. The same cannot be said of around 30,000 geese that fly in from Greenland, Siberia and Iceland at this time every year.

Birdwatchers at Vane Farm Nature Reserve Café at Loch Leven
looking for Egbert
Egbert

It is amazing to think that these large birds can undertake such lengthy and arduous journeys. When they all take flight together, it’s an awsome sight.  Vane Farm is a great place to see all sorts of birds and we had a great time, with our mini-person from the Grand Café post visiting all three hides down near the water’s edge. Lots of ducks, moorhens, coots and pheasants but the star of the show was Egbert. He’s a little egret who has made his home here for the past few years. Interior view of Vane Farm Nature Reserve Café at Loch Leven

Skeleton’s heads

Most of our time however was spent looking for skeleton’s heads and scary spiders in a kiddie’s event which meant that we had to cover the entire reserve ticking off ‘finds’ on a sheet of paper. Great fun but it’s not too long, on a fairly brisk day, before rumbling tums are calling us back to the café area.

Exterior view of Vane Farm Nature Reserve at Loch Leven
Engineering works

 

Currently there is major engineering works going on around the shop and café area to make the hides wheelchair accessible. It is causing a few temporary problems for traffic on the main road as well as walkers and cyclists. By the looks of things it will soon be finished. The café above the shop is kitted out with several telescopes at a large observation window.

View from Vane Farm Nature Reserve Café at Loch Leven
They’re too far away!!!

Kids get the chance to see some of the wildlife, up close, without having to brave the elements. Typically the café is populated by folks with massive lenses on their cameras or mega telescopes slung over their shoulders. We only had our little binoculars …. amateurs! A scone at Vane Farm Nature Reserve Café at Loch LevenAfter an excellent light lunch we eventually got to our fruit scones. There was no cream but they did come with plenty butter and jam. We thoroughly enjoyed everything we had but no topscone today.

Errant nobility

Munching a scone and looking out from the cafe across Loch Leven you can clearly see Castle Island. The castle dates from 1257 and over the years has functioned as a home, a garden ornament ( a recent owner designed his entire garden on the shores of Loch Leven around the view of the castle) and on many occasions as a prison for errant nobility. It’s most illustrious prisoner was, of course, Mary Queen of Scots.  In 1565 the 21 year old Mary visited the castle as a guest of Sir William Douglas, little knowing that within two years she would be incarcerated there.

View from Vane Farm Nature Reserve Café at Loch Leven
Castle island in middle distance
Beheadings

She had already been Queen of France and her relatively short stay on this island was to be no less eventful. She recovered from a suspected poisoning attempt, miscarried twins, made several escape bids and was forced to abdicate her throne. Not much time for scones then? She escaped with the assistance of her jailers only to spend the rest of her life imprisoned in other castles. Eventually her cousin, Elizabeth I of England, on Trumped up charges (couldn’t resist the capital T) ordered her to be beheaded at the tender age of forty four. If Theresa May had the powers Elizabeth had back then how many headless politicians would be lying around today? She would be knee deep! Sorry, forgot that most of them are acting like headless chickens anyway without Theresa having any such powers.

Wizard’s wand

More importantly we found all the items in the game except the witches wand. We had to backtrack almost the whole way to find it! Won a lollipop though!

KY13 9LX      tel: 01577 862355        Vane Farm Nature Reserve

Ordinary, Scones

The Scotsman Grand Café

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We had popped in here, to what used to be the offices of the Scotsman newspaper, on a previous occasion. Impressed with the gracious surroundings and the helpfulness of the staff we vowed to visit again. The Grand Café is their restaurant area and they do a mini afternoon tea for mini people and it just so happened that today we had such a mini person accompanying us. So after phoning to book two cream teas and a mini afternoon tea we jumped on the train to Edinburgh full of excited anticipation. When we arrived they checked our booking and read it back to us … excellent! What could go wrong? Internal view of the Grand Café, Scotsman Hotel, Edinburgh

Where are the cream teas?

Then a waiter arrived at our table to find out what we wanted?? We repeated our order then he asked if we would like a gin drink or champagne with it. Unexpected but because we were in a happy mood we thought we would have the champagne. It arrived fairly promptly and then we waited .. and waited …… and waited. After watching people who came in well after us tucking into large lunches we had to ask what had happened to ours and were assured that it was being prepared. Eh, it’s a couple of scones and some jam!! Anyway, eventually they came with a mini afternoon tea and afternoon tea for two?? What happened to our cream teas?

Waiting area at the toilets at the Grand Café, Scotsman Hotel, Edinburgh
Waiting area at the toilets
Sounds of gun fire

The boss lady was summoned and she said that we had champagne so we had to have afternoon tea … arrgghh! We told her that we had given the same order umpteen times and that the waiter had then asked us if we wanted champagne. To which we gave the obvious if somewhat predictable answer. Obviously something had been lost in the eastern european translation. A scone at the Grand Café, Scotsman Hotel, EdinburghThe afternoon teas, which had taken so long to prepare, were whisked away and replaced, shortly thereafter, by our two cream teas accompanied with profuse apologies. We thought we heard the slightly muffled sound of a waiter being shot but luckily he soon reappeared.

More please

All this was extremely disappointing because we had had high hopes for this place and the prolonged wait would have seemed even longer had we not had a mini person to amuse us. There was a plain and a fruit scone with each cream tea and they were quite big which meant that there was only enough jam for one … we had to ask for more. To make matters even worse the scones were delicious … what a dilemma! If it hadn’t been for the veritable catalogue of mistakes they would easily have merited a topscone but sadly not on this occasion.

To top it all off, when the bill arrived, although they had kindly given us a substantial discount they still got it wrong, they had overcharged! Logo of the Grand Café, Scotsman Hotel, EdinburghIf this all this sounds like a complete disaster, it wasn’t … we did in fact have a very enjoyable afternoon but that was largely due to a five year old’s funny observations. The Grand Café is a beautiful place with its marbled halls and chandeliers. They certainly knew how to build newspaper offices back in 1905 when the Scotsman produced its first edition. Apparently we were sitting in what used to be the editorial section.

Left hand, right hand

As social media takes over from traditional print the newspaper industry everywhere is seeing plummeting circulation figures and the Scotsman is no exception. It is currently up for sale. The only newspaper with expanding circulation in Scotland is the National, the only one that supports independence. Anyway, we’re sure that we just had an unlucky experience at the Grand Café. The left hand simply didn’t seem to know what the right hand was doing. A bit like the Conservative party’s handling of Brexit.External view of the Grand Café, Scotsman Hotel, EdinburghEH1 1TR          tel: 0131 622 2999        Grand Café

ps our Middle East correspondent has sent in a report from Ireland. We know it’s not in the middle east but he gets around. This time he has unearthed an albino K6 in County Wicklow in Eire.

K6 telephone box outside Jonny Fox's piub in County Wicklow, Eire
Johnny Fox’s pub … K6 on far right

K6 telephone box outside Jonny Fox's piub in County Wicklow, Eire

Made in Kirkintilloch, the fact that it is outside Johnny Fox’s pub, world famous for its Hooley Night is entirely coincidental.

Ordinary, Scones, self-service

M&S Foodhall Café

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There is something vaguely sinful about going to the cinema at 10.30 in the morning. Doubly so on a lovely sunny day like this. It just seems wrong. Worth it though because we saw A Star Is Born starring Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. When our 14 year old great-niece was over here on holiday we used to call her the ‘small weird Canadian’.  Her two greatest heros, at that time, were Mary Queen of Scots and Lady Gaga! We always understood the Mary bit but now we understand the Gaga bit as well. Gaga was absolutely superb in a role that almost seemed tailor-made for her. Maybe it was. The ending is sad but as everyone filed out in silence recovery was fairly rapid as we suddenly remembered it was still only lunchtime and we were a bit peckish. Internal view of M&S Foodhall Café, Falkirk

Not just any scones

Rather than go to the rather sterile café area in the multiplex cinema we went outside and ended up here in the M&S Foodhall Café. We needed to get some stuff anyway. We’ve reviewed M&S before, when they had their large clothing store on Falkirk high street, but that has gone now. This place is now the only presence they have in town.

It is ironic that a business built on clothing sales is now largely dependent on foodhalls like this. Just when we get wall to wall cookery programs on TV, the M&S range of ready-meals (just nuke it and stick on the plate) has become ultra successful. They are good mind you. Anyway while we were getting some sandwiches we noticed the scones … “not just any scones … M&S scones” as  the sultry-voiced woman on the M&S adverts would say.

Branding

 It is all self service and we are not quite sure where the problem lay but the staff were struggling a bit … slightly chaotic behind the counter and lots of uncleared tables. A scone at M&S Foodhall Café, FalkirkThere was no cream with our scones and initially there was no jam either but it turned up eventually. It was branded as ‘British’ like almost everything in M&S these days. Even the haggis and the whisky are emblazoned with the union jacks! It’s as if there is a panic in central government that Scottish independence is looming large yet again and nothing can be labeled ‘Scottish’ in case it further emboldens the natives. Frightened of losing their cash cow, it does of course have the opposite effect.

Doh!

Anyway our scones were fine but the whole experience was certainly not a topscone one. Irony abounds these days e.g. the UK says it hopes to do a trade deal with Singapore once it leaves the EU in a few months. This, as the EU signs a trade deal with Singapore this week … doh! After we leave the EU, how long will it be before someone notices that the biggest market in the world is right on our doorstep and we are not part of it … doh again!

FK1 1LW       tel: 01324 406101         M&S Foodhall

Ordinary, Scones

Scottish Storytelling Centre

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The few readers who actually pay any attention to these blog posts will be very aware that the person we would most like to invite to one of our dinner parties would be the ‘Master of Life’, Robert Bontine Cunninghame Graham. Indeed, four of our previous posts have come about as a direct result of Graham’s stories: Stuarts of Buckhaven, Liz MacGregor’s Coffee Shop, Brodies of Moffat and The Gallery Café.

Friedrich Engels, Oscar Wilde and Buffalo Bill were among his many friends. One of the finest authors in the English language, Joseph Conrad (who could never be described as having led a dull life) commented on Graham “when I think of you I feel as tho’ I have lived all my life in a dark hole“. Graham died in 1936 but in Argentina he is still regarded as a national hero, affectionately known as Don Roberto. In Scotland, being directly related to King Robert II, he had the best claim to become King of Scotland. Perhaps it is appropriate that we end up here, in the Scottish Storytelling Centre, to hear stories about him.

Important scones

The Cunninghame Graham Society, which is dedicated to promoting his memory, had organised a talk about the great man. Okay, okay, we hear you cry, “but did he like scones?” In all the literature written about Graham we have not come across any reference to scones. However he was a man of exceptionally high intellect and good taste so he would undoubtedly have placed great importance on them.

We had never heard of the Storytelling Centre but when they said it was part of John Knox’s house  on the Royal Mile (the white building centre stage in the title photo) we knew exactly where it was. And what a fantastic place it is. A modern complex of exhibition and performance areas dedicated to the art of storytelling and … a café!

What better way to spend our time waiting for the talk to begin than having a scone. A scone at the Scottish Storytelling Centre, EdinburghObviously, trying to get a completely fresh scone at seven in the evening is a bit of a tall order however the one we were sharing was not at all bad. Plenty of  fruit and quite light in texture. It came with a pot of jam and, the bane of our lives, a pack of Rhodda’s Cornish clotted cream. Perfectly good cream but all the way from Cornwall to this bastion of Scottishness?? Anyway, although it was nowhere near a topscone, we thoroughly enjoyed what we had and would certainly return.

Argentine tango

Although he was in the House of Commons for six years, Cunninghame Graham hated all politicians. He was often asked to withdraw from the House due to his unparliamentary behaviour.Interior view of the Scottish Storytelling Centre, Edinburgh Goodness knows what he would make of today’s unprincipled and spineless inhabitants of the Palace of Westminster. He would be  enraged that the poverty he fought against so vigorously at Westminster in the 1890s still exists. The necessity of food banks, even for those in work. He would have been heartened, however, that progress has been made towards an independent Scotland. However mystified by the time it is taking. His own stories, whether they be about a couple dancing an Argentine tango in Beunos Aires or a dismal funeral in Scotland, remain as vivid as this large picture hanging in the Centre … ‘A Mile Of Stories’ by Julie Lacome.

A Mile Of Stories by Julie Lacome at the Scottish Storytelling Centre,
Part of an effort to revive the Old Town as a living community. “Heave awa, we’re no deid yet”.

EH1 1SR.     tel: 0131 556 9579       Scottish Storytelling Centre

Ordinary, Scones

Bessie’s Café

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This morning we went to the Hippodrome cinema in Bo’ness to see C’est la Vie starring Jean-Pierre Bacri. We do this regularly if we can get out of bed in time … life has sooo many pressures! A French film with subtitles, it’s a beautifully crafted and funny story of the backstage shenanigans at a posh chateau wedding. Worth seeing if you get the chance.  Afterwards, we ended up on the opposite side of the the river Forth, in Fife, at the picturesque little village of Culross (pronounced kooros) which, oddly enough, is the location for another movie currently under production.

Mrs Halfpint

It’s a zombie film called The Curse of the Buxom Strumpet starring Dame Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen. In the story Dame Judi plays Mrs Halfpint, the local landlady in the town of Upper Trollop, played of course, by none other than Culross itself.  A ssign for Bessie's Tearoom, CulrossIn 1713 a deadly disease consumes Upper Trollop turning the inhabitants into monsters. A few redoubtable folk, led by Mrs Halfpint try to escape by ship to France. The premiere won’t be until next year so if we divulge any more we would have to kill you all. Just go see when it comes out.

Suffice to say that Mrs Halfpint may well have been in the employ of the Bessie of Bessie’s Café, or Bessie’s Bar, as it used to be called. The café used to be her malt-house, used in making beer for her pub. And would you Adam ‘n Eve it (been going to London too much) Bessie’s surname was Paterson. You can see from the picture that she was a fine upstanding lass in the best tradition of Paterson women.

We have been here before on several occasions when it was run by the National Trust for Scotland and were never too impressed … normally when we are in the village we go to another café called The Biscuit. Internal view of Bessie's Tearoom, Culross

DIY Americano

Bessie’s is under new management however so we thought we should check it out. It had started raining so we were glad to be in out of the wet and delighted to be merrily greeted by the staff who soon had us supplied with a couple of fruit scones. A scone at Bessie's Tearoom, CulrossEarlier we had agreed to having them heated so they arrived wonderfully warm and with lots of jam and cream.

They also supplied my Americano as an expresso with a jug of hot water, a sort of DIY kit.  Not quite sure of the logic since I just had to pour all the water into the expresso myself. Heyho, different! Pat took one bite and announced a topscone right away. However, she subsequently discovered a small doughy bit in the middle which unfortunately ended up demoting her verdict. Mine was perfect, so think Pat must have got a rogue one … shame.  Bessie’s is joined onto the Palace and they do a good range of food so definitely worth a visit if you are in these parts.

External view of Culross Palace, Culross
Culross Palace
Troublesome people

Talk of rogues reminds us that it’s the Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham this week. Boris and Theresa are slugging it out for supremacy. “Fiddling while Rome burns” comes to mind. They should be thankful they are not holding their conference here in the Kingdom of Fife where, if you remember our review of the Clock Tower Café, they had their own ways of dealing with troublesome people.

Now, call us naive if you like but we always thought, not that we have thought about it that much, if you wanted to burn a witch your major expenditure would be a gallon of petrol. Not so. In 1636, just along the coast from here, William Coke and his wife were sentenced to death for witchcraft. Apparently, to help them burn more easily, the normal practice was to clothe them in hemp coats and place them in barrels that had been pre-tarred. For anyone who thinks that this process comes cheap, think again. The expenses were considerable and probably put everyday witch burning out of reach for most people.

  • 10 loads of coal – 3 pounds 6 shillings and 8 pennies,
  • tar barrel – 7 shillings,
  • hangman’s rope – 6 shillings,
  • hemp coats – 3 pounds and 10 shillings,
  • making the above – 8 shillings,
  • expenses for judge – 6 shillings,
  • executioner (for his pains) – 8 pounds and 14 shillings,
  • executioners expenses – 16 shillings and 4 pennies.

That’s almost £5,000 in today’s money however at that time, the Church and the Council split the costs … nice! Don’t think they would do that nowadays but we would still recommend that Theresa and Boris avoid Fife for the time being. Because there’s always Crowdfunder!External view of Bessie's Tearoom, Culross

KY12 8JQ         tel: 01383 247381            Bessie’s Café FB

english, Ordinary, Scones

John Forrest Bakery

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When we write about places like Claridges, the Connaught and even the Bingham Hotel in Richmond, readers could be forgiven for thinking that we only frequent the well-to-do areas of London. Only mix with the upper crust! Well, you would not be far wrong. The thing is though, it just sort of works out that way … honest! We don’t seek these places out! After our sojourn the other day to the Tide Tables Cafe in wealthy Richmond, today we find ourselves in the Kings Road in Chelsea. Home of Sloane Rangers and Hooray Henrys, but not by choice … we are here on an important errand to fix an incapacitated handbag. It just so happens that the Handbag Clinic is here on the Kings Road. Yes, they do have clinics for handbags, however, the less you know about that the better.

Supercars

Famous for its Chelsea buns, the important thing was to check out a Chelsea scone and fill that gap in our collective sconological knowledge base. This part of London offers you the opportunity to pay ten times what you would pay anywhere else on just about anything. Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration … but only slight. The streets are lined with super cars … McLarens, Ferraris, Maseratis. The sort of cars that, if we were to sell our house and our children, we would still not be able to afford. Sorry kids if you are reading this, it is just a turn of phrase, it does not mean that you are not worth much. It just means that if you were worth more we might get a supercar … okay!!

It’s ironic that these cars, capable of 200mph, would throw a major party if, by some miracle, they ever got to reach 30mph in London. For most of them, that’s a rather forlorn ambition. Some of them are painted matt black like stealth bombers. Initially we thought this might be to make them invisible to traffic wardens. However then we remembered that the owners of these cars would not be the slightest bit bothered with a hundred parking tickets. So, in a way, the paint finish doesn’t matter … except to look a bit pretentious, of course, and make it difficult for the butler to polish. Golly gosh, what a laugh that would be!

The holy hour

Okay, for those of you thinking that finding a scone in such surroundings should be a piece of cake … not so! It was after 2pm but everywhere we went we were refused. Scones only served between three and five … what? We knew the world had gone mad but this surely is the last straw!

However, there is something oddly right about this. Any other food item you could have any old time of the day but scones, as befits their status of course, only in this blessed two hour window. The conversation goes something like this: Me “may I have a scone please?” Waiter “Is it three o’clock, sir?” Me: “no, it’s half past two”. Waiter: “Yes sir you may have a scone but you will have to wait half an hour.” Play park where we ate the scone from the John Forrest Bakery, Kings Road, ChelseaAbsolutely no use to us though because we had yet another even more important errand than rescuing an ailing handbag to run. We simply could not hang around until the holy hour when scones would appear, presumably, as if by magic.

Now, readers should know by now that we are not ones for giving up. However, just as we were about to do just that, we stumbled on the John Forrest Bakery. It had scones that could be bought any time of the day or night, yeagh! It wasn’t ideal though … no seats inside and the few they had outside were all taken.

Not to worry, they provided us with two teas in polystyrene cups, a ham & cheese roll … and a scone in a white paper bag … all for £5.10. We take back our previous comment about everything being ludicrously expensive. We then slunk off up a nearby alleyway looking for somewhere to sit and eat. A scone from the John Forrest Bakery, Kings Road, ChelseaFortunately it led to an enclosed area surrounded by rather utilitarian looking apartment blocks. The hidden side of Chelsea where real people live. In the middle was a kiddie’s play park with a couple of wooden benches. And we had it all to ourselves. It was wonderfully quiet after the hustle and bustle going on only a few yards away.

Trials and tribulations

The scone, which the John Forrest folks had kindly buttered for us had loads of fruit but it wasn’t the best by a long chalk. At least it served to illustrate the trials and tribulations we endure in order to bring our sconey readers news from the UK’s nether regions. Actually, as we sat there on our park bench with our strong tea and very fruity scone, we did not feel trialed or tribulated at all. We did, in fact, feel rather blessed with the whole experience. Without it we would never have discovered this quiet little sanctuary.Play park where we ate the scone from the John Forrest Bakery, Kings Road, Chelsea

Sanctuary is what Theresa May needs as forces range against her from all sides. And she demands that the EU treats the UK with respect. She wants respect from the club we are leaving presumably because we think it’s crap! In the circumstances, we think the EU has been extremely respectful. Meanwhile, no one in government has a clue what is going on. The opposition is worse than useless. As a result the entire country is paralysed in a kind of collective nervous breakdown. What fun!

Picture this

If we had to choose a picture to depict Britain’s current sEdvard Munch's The Screamtate of mental health there would be only one contender, Edvard Munch’s, The Scream. Even inanimate objects are having issues because the Handbag Clinic was doing a roaring trade. However, what will Brexit mean for handbag clinics?

SW10 0LR      tel: 020 7352 5848        John Forrest Bakery FB

ps: we did see a couple of K2 telephone boxes but were unable to photograph them.

english, Ordinary, Scones

Tide Tables Cafe

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Have you have ever wondered how many Richmonds there are in the world? No?? Well, there are 56, so if anyone asks, now you know! In 2009 Richmond was voted best town in the UK but that was the one in North Yorkshire. The one we are in today, however, would probably be voted the wealthiest.

A glance in an estate agent’s window will provide you with several opportunities to rent a house for £30,000 a month … a month!! And if you get fed up sitting in your expensive house you can catch a ferry from here to Ham House or Hampton Court Palace and look at places that even you can’t afford. The town is also in an excellent state of repair. The 21,000 good people of Richmond just read about things like potholes if they unwittingly pick up a provincial newspaper. Potholes are not something they would ever have to actually experience for themselves.

View along river Thames at Richmond
Looking along the riverside from Tide Tables

 

Historically the town used to be called Sheen. It was here that the Commissioners of Scotland had to kneel before Edward I after William Wallace was executed in 1305. So how did it end up becoming yet another, common as muck, Richmond? Well, in 1501, when Henry VII built his new residence here, he called it Richmond Palace after his ancestral home, Richmond Castle, in ‘town of the year’ Richmond in North Yorkshire. After all, if you have a lot of castles, you cannot be expected to sit around all day dreaming up new names for all of them. Sheen Palace would have had a certain ‘gloss’ to it though! Anyway, the town that grew up here around Richmond Palace ended up adopting its name. Outdoor seating area at Tide Tables Café, Richmond

Lycra land

Having said that, it isn’t hard to see what attracted folk here in the first place. Set on a meander in the Thames, its a lovely place to stroll around if you have absolutely nothing better to do. Of course, that’s where we come in …itinerant scone munching vagrants. The riverside is particularly nice, it is always busy with cyclists and walkers. Down here you cannot simply put bicycle clips round your trousers and head off blithely on your bike. No, no, no, you have to be fully rigged out, top to tail, in multicoloured lycra so that  you look exactly like a competitor in the Tour de France, even though you are only going to pick up a pint of milk. This rules applies no matter your body shape, giving rise to the acronym MAMILs … Middle Aged Man In Lycra.

You also need all the technology. A phone with a head set so that you can dictate notes for tomorrow’s meetings or chat to your auntie Jeanie while you pedal. The obligatory Fitbit is also required so that you can chart your progress to eternal life and body beautiful. The walkers aren’t much better! As befits a place where the people have oodles of choice, Tide Tables is a hip veggie and vegan café. Internal view of Tide Tables Café, RichmondIt occupies an arch under Richmond bridge next to a boat builder but it also has a lovely outdoor seating area under giant plane trees.  We were able to sit in the dappled sunlight and watch the riverside bustle while we ate our scones. If you can’t afford all that lycra you have no choice but to sit and watch?

Being alive

A scone at Tide Tables Café, RichmondOn a slightly different tack. You know how we are always bleating on about places that serve butter and cream from England when we are in Scotland, well down here the butter was from France … mon dieu! Mon dieu, as well for the cream, it was very strange, hard and crumbly. Probably because it had never been within a country mile of a cow. The scone itself was quite big and although it had a fair amount of fruit it just tasted okay. Nothing to write home about. So why are you wasting our time we hear you cry! Okay it wasn’t a topscone but the overall experience of sitting by the river in the sunshine watching everyone else putting so much effort into being alive was wonderfully relaxing. So we can, at least, recommend that. Riverside seating area at Tide Tables Café, Richmond

Back to front

Sitting here you could possible believe that all was well in the world. Then you remember Brexit! Just why Michel Barnier doesn’t say to Theresa May ” look, the UK  has always been a miserable grudging and small minded member of the EU … just close the door on the way out” is beyond us. Instead we have to listen to Theresa May saying that the EU must compromise if they want us to leave … eh, think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick, Theresa! External view of Tide Tables Café, Richmond

Extradition

And where is David Cameron who got us into this mess in the first place. Playing so fast and loose with the future of the country should be some sort of criminal offence. Presumably, therefore, he is somewhere like North Korea that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the UK. More likely, however, that he is holed up somewhere in deepest Richmond.

TW9 1TH.      tel: 020 8948 8285       Tide Tables Café

by Bill and Pat Paterson and is about finding good scones throughout the world, with a little bit of politics