Monthly Archives: February 2019

Ordinary, Scones

Glencoe Café

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Old Mrs MacDonald had just prepared a fresh batch of scones.

“Would you be wanting one, Duncan?” she asked the fresh faced young lad who had been lodging with her for the past two weeks. In the fading February light there was just the gentle flicker of the open fire where the scones had been baked. They were still sitting there keeping warm.

“Would you like cream with the butter and jam, Duncan?”

“That would be grand Mrs Mac, there’s nothing like a freshly baked scone. I like them crunchy on the outside and nice and soft in the middle”, Duncan replied.

“Funny, that’s how I like them as well” said Mrs MacDonald in her soft highland accent.  She looked fondly on the youngster in the warm glow.

Highland hospitality

As part of the government forces made up mostly from clan Campbell, Duncan had been sent to Glencoe from Invergarry. You may remember us referring to their leader in our post on the Glen Lyon Tearoom. For some time now the Campbells had been enjoying the MacDonald’s scones. Little did Mrs MacDonald realise that later that same night, the signal would be given and she would be brutally murdered in her bed by the very same scone munching Duncan. This scenario was being played out in every house. The village was burned and the livestock taken. The Massacre of Glencoe in 1692 has thus become synonymous with betrayal. Even worse, a betrayal of highland hospitality … unthinkable!.

Internal view of Glencoe CaféClan of choice

The whole sorry affair came about because the MacDonald’s chieftain had been a day late in bending the knee to King William III of England. Perhaps better known as William of Orange, or in some parts, King Billy! Truth be told the MacDonalds of Glencoe, along with the MacGregors, did not have glowing reputations. Both clans were generally regarded by the authorities as outlaws and general ne’er-do-wells. It was the MacDonalds of Glencoe, however, who were to be slaughtered as a warning to other Scots who might get ideas.

Long memories

Nowadays, even though the local hotel has a sign at reception reading “No Hawkers or Campbells”, that’s all in the past. Although we ourselves are MacDonalds, it’s my middle name for goodness sake, we harbour no ill feeling. Having said that we have never knowingly spoken to a Campbell or eaten with one or willingly been in the company of one. Sharing a scone with one??? We jest … a little!

Internal view of Glencoe CaféThe dancing!

Anyway, all this is to simply give you a little background knowledge because today we are at the Glencoe Café. It wasn’t here in 1692 but if it had, it would have been burned to the ground. Last time we were in the area was only a few weeks back. A spot of hedonistic pampering at The Glencoe House Hotel. We explained  that Glencoe was our weekend destination of choice when we used to do Spiderman impersonations on the sheer rock faces of Aonach Dubh.  No, we didn’t do the outfit!

That wasn’t yesterday, however ‘the Coe’ still retains many happy memories for us both. Saturday night dances in the village hall were the stuff of legend. Much has changed in the intervening years however we think this café is built where the old village hall used to be. The big question was, would their scones be as good as the ones Mrs MacDonald gave to that Campbell fella?

Alan and Deirdre Copeland run the café and the gift shop with great enthusiasm. This is February and the café was full to overflowing . Goodness knows what it’s like when the place is buzzing with tourists in the summer months? We were seated next to three Brazilians who wanted to know where to go for a walk … eh? Just look out the window, you can walk anywhere! They were lovely people though who lived in Glasgow. They were on a day trip so didn’t have oodles of time. We pointed them towards Glencoe Lochan so we hope they got there and enjoyed it.

Egg timers?

All the Copeland’s tea is loose leaf and it’s served in glass teapots with internal diffusers and an egg timer … eh, again? It’s so you know when your tea is sufficiently infused … obviously! The scones are freshly baked every day and come with plentyA scone at Glencoe Café jam and cream.  All in all this is a friendly unpretentious place which is exactly what you would expect in this part of the world. We thoroughly enjoyed everything about it even though our scones didn’t quite make the grade.

Trust in short supply

Given the episode between the MacDonalds and the Campbells can anyone be really trusted? Donald Trump insists he has an emergency on his hands and needs ‘special powers’ to build The Wall. No one else can see the emergency so we guess it just has to taken on trust. Theresa May insists she is not running down the clock on Brexit. No one else sees that either so we guess it just has to be taken on trust. That’s a whole lot of trust.

School children all over the world are going on strike. They don’t have enough trust in their politicians to act on climate change. It’s not as if the world is running out of trust. It’s not a finite resource like gold or oil. It can be generated in endless amounts but, these days, it seems like a very scarce resource indeed.

Jeremy Corbyn must be thinking that as well with the seven MPs defecting from his Labour Party. He must be counting his blessings it’s only seven … ooops there goes another one, that’s eight! The surprise is that he’s surprised. The world is not devoid of trust though. The Conservative government has learned to trust Corbyn’s Abstaining Party to bail them out of whatever trouble in which they find themselves. Ooops there go another three, Tories this time. It’s difficult to keep up. Ooops there goes another Labour one! Where will it all end? What would old Mrs MacDonald have made of it all? Thank goodness we can trust Theresa to sort out Brexit?

In Syria, as jihadi bride or daft lassie, Shamima Begum has her passport revoked we’re tempted to ask “What about the Campbell’s passports?” But we won’t. That’s all in the past after all!

PH49 4HP               tel: 01855 811168               Glencoecafe

Ordinary, Scones, self-service

The Courtyard Coffee House

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Once again we are in Callander visiting an elderly relative. Once again, after a visit to the Outdoor Shop we were peckish. We wandered across the street to this place thinking we might get a scone. Crikey, it’s a strange place! Not even a name above the door! We swithered and thought perhaps we should go to Applejacks, directly opposite. We had already reviewed Applejacks and knew it to be good but our dedication to sconological research took over. In we went!

Pavement billboard at the Courtyard Coffee House in CallanderNot only was there no name above the door, it had an estate agent’s ‘For Sale’ sign outside. However, no presence on the estate agents website. We looked!  In fact it doesn’t appear to have a presence of any kind on the internet. No website, no FaceBook, no Tripadviser? The only way we  discovered its name was on the pavement billboard outside.

So, it kind of had a name … hurrah! As well as a name it had scones, fruit and plain … hurrah again! Who cares about all that other stuff. The strangeness continued, however. It was self service and the staff were very friendly but we had to pay up front before they brought our order and it was cash only. All a wee bit surreal.

Internal view of the Courtyard Coffee House in Callander

Scone assistance

When our scones arrived the lady explained that she had already cut them in half for us because they were so light and crumbly. She hoped we would manage them without further assistance. Her concern was not entirely misplaced. The scones were incredibly light and full of currants, sultanas and cherries. A scone at the Courtyard Coffee House in CallanderThey were indeed quite difficult to manage. When you lifted them they just crumbled and fell back to the plate. You had to scoop them up and tip them into your mouth in a slightly undignified fashion. They were delicious, however, and the crystallised sugar topping gave them a delightful sweet crunchiness. All things considered, however, this was no topscone.

There is no point in giving you contact details for this place because there aren’t any. Unless we were involved in some sort of Brigadoon experience, all we can say is that it was there. It wasn’t just a figment of our over active imaginations. However it may not be there tomorrow or next week so if you fancy a really crumbly but delicious scone you had maybe better get your skates on.

Fashion

Talking of ethereal things like Brigadoon, we were saddened by the news that Karl Lagerfeld has died. Unlikely as it may seem, our family is steeped in the fashion industry. Brands like Alexander McQueen and Jimmy Choo owe much to our family. Okay, maybe not that much but definitely a bit! Fashion, frivolous and transient as it may be, adds much to our lives and Lagerfeld, somehow, symbolised it perfectly. After all. few would like to be uniformly dressed by Chairman Mao, extinguishing all sense of individuality. Lagerfeld epitomised the frippery of fashion but also had wise words. He once said. “When people talk about the good old days, I say to people, ‘It’s not the days that are old, it’s you that’s old.’ I hate the good old days. What is important is that today is good.”  Perhaps he should have been running the country instead of Chanel.

Anyway, the Courtyard Coffee House was there … honest!

Ordinary, Scones

Star & Garter Hotel

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Scotland’s national poet, Robert Burns, was born 1759 in the Ayrshire town of Alloway. The same year also saw the birth of this place, in the West Lothian town of Linlithgow. At that time it was the home of the wealthy Boyd family of ship owners. By the 1847, however, it had been transformed into a coaching inn, the Star & Garter, under the ownership of James Burleigh. At that time it was the Avis or Hertz of its day, hiring out horses and carriages. It’s right beside the station which is handy for us. While our car is being serviced in Bo’ness we can jump on a train and the garage picks us up from here. On some previous occasions, you may remember, they have picked us up at the Black Bitch.

Having a little time to spare, however, our attention was drawn towards the possibility of a scone. When we asked we were informed by a nice young man that tea and coffee were no problem. However, if we wanted a scone we would have to wait until he baked one. You will agree, it would have been rude and churlish to turn him down on such an offer.

Internal view of the Star & Garter Hotel, LinlithgowWhat’s in a name?

There are loads of pubs in Britain bearing the Star & Garter name. How come? As far as we can ascertain the Garter bit comes from the Order of the Garter. In 1344, Edward III decided to admit some of his knights to the Order of the Garter to make them feel a bit special among all these other common-or-garden knights. A bribe, in other words, for extra loyalty. The medals accompanying these awards usually came in the form of stars. Presumably the phrase “star and garter” began to be used to denote something a bit special. Would our scone be worthy of such an accolade?

Promising start

We were sitting by an open log fire waiting for them to be baked so  no great hardship there. Although we had our tea and coffee, waiting like this does heighten the sense of anticipation. Suffice to say, by the time they Scones at the Star & Garter Hotel, Linlithgowarrived we were ready! Having just come from the oven they were wonderfully warm, and although there was no cream there was plenty of jam and butter. First bite was very promising however as we progressed we decided that they had just been slightly over baked. We like them slightly crunchy on the outside but these were more ‘hard’. Had it not been for that they could have merited a topscone but sadly it was not to be. Fireside at the Star & Garter Hotel, Linlithgow

Honoured

However, sitting here by the fire in February with a slightly hard scone is still very enjoyable. We always feel honoured when folk offer to bake scones specially for us. Not as honoured as a knight of the realm you understand and certainly not as much as a gartered one, but honoured nevertheless.

Bribes

It is incredible that the government was defeated yet again last night and it doesn’t seem to make the slightest bit of difference. Why do they bother with all that palaver? Theresa May, never mind she cannot even command her own government, sets off to Brussels in another futile attempt to browbeat the EU into some sort of submission. It really takes some believing. Perhaps she is going with a bundle of stars and garters in her handbag. She has bribed everyone else so it may be worth a try.

A Parcel of Rogues

When Robert Burns wrote ‘Such A Parcel Of Rogues In A Nation’ he could easily have been referring to Brexit and the secretive ERG group of MPs.  He wrote: “Is wrought now by a coward few, For hireling traitor’s wages”.Though he could just as easily aimed it at MPs in the Labour party who will go with anything just to keep their jobs.

EH49 7AB          tel: 01506 845647           Star & Garter

ps. Honours should really go to our N.Ireland correspondents who, on a wee trip to Venice, diligently set about searching for a scone. Not easy in such an uncultured place however they did manage to find scone approximations. A Carnavle scone in VeniceApparently these items are only made at Carnavale time. This year that runs from 16th Feb to 5th March so we are doubly honoured to be seeing such rare Italian sconey things. They didn’t say how they tasted however .. more training required!

As always, many thanks to all our correspondents.

Ordinary, Scones

Bobby’s at Duck Bay

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Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond
Where me and my true love were ever wont to gae
On the bonnie, bonnie banks o’ Loch Lomond

That’s what I was singing to Pat as we arrived here on a beautiful warm February day. She didn’t have her fingers in her ears but perhaps a slightly better rendition is by Runrig and The Tartan Army. You can hear it by clicking here. We recommend letting it run in the background as you read. By the end you’ll feel completely Scottish and will probably be dancing on the nearest table. Be careful though, we don’t want to cause any accidents!

Although it has become a kind of Scottish anthem it is, of course, a rather sad song.  A captured Jacobite Highlander bemoaning the fact that he will never again see his true love on the bonnie bonnie banks. Not for me though because I am here and I have my true love with me …

Where in deep purple hue, the hieland hills we view

Okay!!! Enough, we hear you cry! Is there a scone somewhere here? Well, of course, there is!

View from Bobby's at Duck Bay Marina, Loch Lomond
Snow capped Ben Lomond in the middle distance from the beach at Duck Bay

Loch Lomond is Britain’s biggest loch/lake and we are fortunate indeed to have it on our doorstep. After a short but beautiful drive we ended up here, Bobby’s at Duck Bay. We go up and down the loch side a lot but this is the first time in quite a few years we have stopped off here. It’s reputation never used to be that great. Now, however, it has been taken over by Cawley Hotels and Restaurants and it’s much improved. Turns out, unbeknown to us, they also have a place at home in Falkirk. Watch this space!

Main restaurant at Bobby's at Duck Bay Marina, Loch Lomond
The main restaurant overlooking the loch
Weekday revellers?

There is a large restaurant that looks out over the loch and this place Bobby’s which is more for snacks and refreshments. It was busy! How come all these people can be here on a weekday afternoon? Internal view of Bobby's at Duck Bay Marina, Loch LomondShouldn’t they be at work or doing something useful to aid the floundering UK economy? What about us? Well, what about us … that’s different! The afternoon tea looked fantastic but we weren’t feeling quite so indulgent. Another time maybe. A scone to share and some lunch was our order. We were served by a young girl who looked as though she just wanted to be somewhere else … anywhere else! Why do people not just decide to enjoy their work. It’s easily done and it makes a massive difference for everyone concerned.

Strawberry tarts at Bobby's at Duck Bay Marina, Loch Lomond

Tarts

Anyway, in spite of the surly service our food arrived quite promptly and it was all delicious. A scone at Bobby's at Duck Bay Marina, Loch LomondThat applied to the scone as well. It came with a little jar of jam (English) and a pot of whipped cream. Nice texture and plenty fruit but not quite a topscone. You can’t really help but have a good time here, especially on a gorgeous day like today. Next time we might come for some of these strawberry tarts and meringues.

Is Runrig still playing? Are you on a table? Careful how you get down! If that wasn’t floating your boat there is another version by Bill Haley and the Comets.

The terrace at Bobby's at Duck Bay Marina, Loch Lomond
The terrace at Duck Bay
Far fetched

Loch Lomond has 92,800 million cubic feet of water however that is a mere drop in the ocean compared to Loch Ness which, being much deeper, holds more water than all Britain’s lakes and lochs put together. It also holds a monster, of course andLogo of Bobby's at Duck Bay Marina, Loch Lomond some would have it that there is also one here in Loch Lomond. Sightings have been few and far between so we think the Loch Lomond monster may be a wee bit far fetched. However, not as far fetched as Brexit negotiations or Trump’s claims about the Mexican border. Does anyone, anywhere have a clue what is happening with either?

‘The Plan’ proposed in our previous post Offshore seems to have met with some opposition. Obviously, getting the voters to cast their vote sensibly was never going to be easy. The Plan is therefore, by necessity, a tad radical. We would, however, simply ask those opposed to just be a little more public spirited. Thank you!

G83 8QZ                    tel: 01389 751234                  Bobby’s

Ordinary, Scones

Matty Steele Café

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It was obviously a Scottish neck and an English axe because it took three blows to part her head from the rest of her body. Breakfast time, on this very day, 8th Feb in 1587, Mary Queen of Scots had her head chopped off. We know this because, as they say “we seen it in the movies“. Kind of appropriate that we watched it at the Hippodrome Cinema in Bo’ness. Just a couple of miles from Linlithgow Palace where Mary was born.

Internal view of the Hiipodrome cinema Image
Inside the Hippodrome (picture courtesy of the Hippodrome)
Chop chop

In spite of them taking quite a few liberties with the actualities we enjoyed the film. It’s just the movies after all. However her life was so eventful it’s a little surprising they had to make things up. In case you are going to see it they didn’t actually show the chopping bit. That would’ve been too much. Everyone on the edge of their seats. Will it come off this time? This time? This time??

Internal view of the Matty Steele Cafe, Bo'nessThe problem, as always was religion. It’s odd to think what might have happened if things had turned out differently. What if her first husband Francois, who made her Queen of France, had not gone and died on her? In slightly different circumstances she might have kept her head? What if she had overcome English treachery and gained the British throne? Who knows? Instead of being snivelling members of the EU we might have been vibrant and enthusiastic participants. Okay, okay that’s taking things way too far! The take home message from the film was … back then, it was no fun being a Queen, or even just a queen. There was plenty of both in the film.

Cake selection at the Matty Steele Cafe, Bo'nessWhen the film finished a scone was called for however we thought  we had been in every café in town. We had reviewed Brian’s Café, and 1884 as well as the Ivy Tearoom. However, just a short distance from the cinema we found yet another, Matty’s Café. Apparently Matthew Steele, who died in 1937, was the architect who designed the Hippodrome cinema as well as many other local buildings. Marvellous how things come together!

Jobsworth

When we arrived the staff, a girl who seemed to be on her own, was struggling to cope with an influx of customers. Like us, they were probably all from the cinema. To be honest, we are not even sure of the name of this place. It’s either Matty’s Cafe or the Bo’ness Bakery, take your pick. The clock at the Matty Steele Cafe, Bo'nessWe chose the former but we think it’s run by the bakery that has a shop next door. Anyway we had to wait a while to be attended to so had time to look around. It’s one of these places which is kind of summed up by the clock above the coffee machine. No one has quite decided whose job it is to straighten it up. It’s probably been like that for years.

Eventually we were asked what we would like. For some reason I fancied a bacon roll. “All the rolls have gone, we only have burnt ones left”. I asked if that meant I couldn’t have a roll. “No, you can have one but it’ll be burnt“. Okay? A scone at the Matty Steele Cafe, Bo'nessOur order, of course, included a scone and before you could say ‘chop, chop, chop’ it was in front of us, lightening fast. My roll was indeed burnt … as black an executioner’s mind. It was also delicious. The fruit scone came with generous tubs of jam and whipped cream and was really quite good. However, in spite of what turned out to be really good cheery service it didn’t quite make the topscone grade. If you are looking for a no-frills kind of place in Bo’ness you could do a lot worse than Matty’s Café.

Irony

Mary’s body was taken and buried at Peterborough Cathedral. However, in an ironic final twist to the tale her son, James VI and I, who became the first king of England, Scotland and Ireland had her exhumed. She now lies in Westminster Abbey next to her cousin, Elizabeth I, who ordered her execution  Can you hear the spinning?External view of the Matty Steele Cafe, Bo'ness

Efficiency

Donald Tusk has said “I’ve been wondering what that special place in hell looks like, for those who promoted Brexit without even a sketch of a plan how to carry it out safely.” We’re with you Donald! As Theresa May goes to the EU yet again she must feel sooooo thankful that the guillotine has fallen into disuse. Mary Queen of Scots, on the other hand, may have wished for something as efficient.

EH51 9NF           tel: 01506 825336          Bo’ness Bakery FB

Scones, Uncategorized

The Angel Cafe

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A sign at the Angel Cafe in ToowoombaReaders are aware by now that we have a global network of correspondents keeping us informed of their scone adventures in far off places. Here we have a tale of every day life in southern Queensland. An Aussie mini scone adventure which is so delightful we can do no better than quote it verbatim.

Country Women of Australia

As always we are “in a rush”, had to get across town to Spotlight to purchase new blinds. It seems like quite a journey through the back streets of Toowoomba. My husband does not like going in straight lines, liking to miss the traffic lights. By doing this I know it takes an extra twenty minutes, but me being the “submissive little wife” I don’t complain! He must have been feeling the distance too as the suggestion for a “coffee” came up. (We don’t do tea so much here in Australia, coffee more our thing!). I am not one to knock back an invitation so agreed immediately!

A scone at the Angel Cafe in Toowoomba
Scone and plastic grass

Here we were Southtown, right outside The Angel Cafe. The popularity of this little cafe wanes from time to time, however there is not much choice enroute to Spotlight. Imagine our delight when we saw ‘scones’ on the menu! We each ordered one and found a table on th

e deck, complete with synthetic grass! Our coffees and scones were duly served – now for the taste test. Naturally the first observation is visually- bet they don’t have scones the size of these in the UK!

I guarantee they would have been 5” in diameter. Very generous serving of strawberry jam (about half a jar I would suggest!), however the ‘cream’ was squirted out of a pressure pack – no clotted cream here. Nonetheless, there was that burnished golden top and on breaking, it appeared light and fluffy. These are all rules the CWA (Country Women of Australia) judges would insist on. Mouth watering visually and flavoursome on first bite. Is there anything more dignified than warm scones smeared with jam and dolloped with cream? Well done Angel Cafe! Great stopover on our shopping mission – what made it even better was the blinds were on special!Internal view of the Angel Cafe in Toowoomba

We have to admit to laughing out loud at the “submissive little wife” bit. And no, we don’t have many 5″ scones over here. Many thanks to J & P. We haven’t had a scone from Ayres Rock yet, or the Opera House … just saying!Internal view of the Angel Cafe in Toowoomba

Obligations

What our corespondents, and indeed all other Australians, may be unaware of, is their obligations on March 30th. It’s when the UK becomes a sort of ‘billy no mates’ state after leaving the EU. On that date Australia along with all the other countries the UK has used and abused over the centuries will be expected to come to its rescue.

For example, Scotland will expect Australia to take up the slack on its lost export market in live haggis. This shouldn’t be a problem provided they are contained. Don’t worry a haggis husbandry manual comes with them. We’re unsure how escapees would take to the dry and the flatness, however, should they thrive, a haggis fence maybe the only answer. You may also notice a change in your menfolk. Instead of course, XXXX swilling, foulmouthed specimens you may find exemplary rustic haggis fed men requesting cabers as birthday presents. We do realise you only have rough scrub over there but, by a stroke of good luck, Scotland exports cabers as well. It’ll all be fine! At least, that’s what they’re telling us over here.

QLD 4350          tel: +61 7 4636 3177         The Angel FB

Ordinary, Scones

Offshore

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Paul Graham, en plein air on the Isle of Coll
En plein air on the Isle of Coll

One of our photographic friends, Paul Graham, was having a launch exhibition of his paintings at the Annan Gallery. It’s on Woodlands Road in Glasgow. A talented photographer for most of his life Paul has now veered more towards art. He works ‘en plein air’ which is his hifalutin way of saying ‘outside’. Paul does though! He sets his easel up in all sorts of situations and climatic conditions and gets to work, For some of the fab results see his blog. Anyway, much as we appreciate Paul’s work we were really only here for the champagne. Once that was finished there was nothing left to do except go for a scone. Okay, okay, that may seem slightly shallow but at least we were in a good mood for a scone.

Not far from the gallery we came across this place, Offshore, on Gibson Street. We mention the street simply because it was once home to the legendary Shish Mahal Indian restaurant. Back in the day, it used to be one of the few places you could get alcohol late on a Sunday evening. Typical order might have been ‘five chapatis and ten pints of lager‘. It had to close in Gibson Street because of subsidence but is still going strong in nearby Park Street. One of it’s close competitors, the Koh-i-Noor actually collapsed into the river Kelvin. Anyway, we digress! Interior view of Offshore Cafe, Glasgow

Cursory wipes

Offshore looks a little bit as if it has been dragged from the Kelvin. A wee bit bedraggled. However this is student territory and since when were students put off by a bit of tawdriness? It had that studenty feel. Lots of folk, who looked like they had been there all day, reading books or fiddling with their laptops. We had to ask for our table to be cleared and cleaned. They did clear it but cleaning was nothing more than a cursory wipe. It needed more than a cursory wipe!

Interior view of Offshore Cafe, GlasgowThere were only rather large fruit scones available and a request for cream only produced a withering look. Toasted scones were not a problem however and they came accompanied by butter and a sachet of Nashville strawberry jam. A scone at Offshore Cafe, GlasgowWe have only ever come across this north American preserve once before in Bob & Bert’s. My coffee cup had a major crack running all the way down but we guessed that they didn’t throw them away until they actually started leaking. I was fortunate in that mine, against all expectations, seemed to still be retaining its contents quite well.

Now you may think that this is all heading in one direction but the scones were damnably good. Warm and soft and quite delicious … even with American jam! We had thought, since they were not doing anything else right, that the scones would be similarly handicapped. However, had it not been for all the other problems these would definitely have been topscones. Maybe it was the champagne?
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Logo for Offshore Cafe, Glasgow

Deserting the sinking ship

Offshore isn’t only where the wealthy keep their filthy lucre. It’s also where most people would like to be as Brexit wends its weary way towards some sort of cataclysmic conclusion. We don’t mean this café, we mean anywhere other than the UK. What irony! Principally, it was the north of England that voted to leave the EU. Now, one of the main industries in the north of England, Nissan, has announced it’s abandoning the UK to build their latest model elsewhere. Why? Because of Brexit. The north of England has many reasons to feel hard done by but it had little to do with the EU. It was just a really crappy conservative government here in the UK blaming the EU for its own shortcomings. It beggars belief that we are still pressing on, like lemmings, towards the cliff edge.Interior view of Offshore Cafe, Glasgow

A plan

It was mainly old folk who voted for Brexit … young folk cannot remember anything other than the EU. The elderly also denied Scotland its independentence in 2014 … frightened about their pensions, Consequently we have come up with a plan. Everybody who is one year older than me should be shot. This plan will undoubtedly have a few critics however it would mean that most people would then vote correctly … simple! Some older friends might be saying “but what about us?” We realise there’s a downside but as Theresa would say “trust me, I know what is best for the country and this is the only way”.

In such dire circumstances my cracked mug doesn’t seem quite so important any more.

G12 8NU          tel: 0141 341 0110         Offshore TA