The Fork & Mustard

21 December 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 7 Comments

Confusion

Joyous news, this may be the last scone you have to endure this year. Of course, it’s also an opportunity for us to wish everyone a Merry Christmas but first perhaps we can enlist your help. We are confused! “No surprise there”, we hear you say.

You probably think it’s Brexit, but it’s not! Brexit’s not confusing, its just stupid. No, it’s because we are bombarded with adverts on TV asking us to send £3 to save a child or a donkey somewhere. Plus the news that 600 homeless people have died in mega rich England this year. Okay, you agree, that’s pretty awful, but what’s confusing about it?

Well, while we may feel guilty about all that, we simultaneously pay, ‘The Chosen One’, the imbecilic Jose Mourinho £18m per season to manage Manchester United badly. Then we fork out an additional £15m just to see him off the premises. Little wonder he has spent the last two and a half years living in a five star hotel. You might say that we don’t actually pay him but of course, in reality, we do, albeit indirectly. Why do we, as a society, do that? That’s what’s confusing!

Are we completely blind to donkeys and homeless people when we would rather pay a complete idiot ludicrous amounts of money for doing something which is of no importance whatsoever? If £3 saves a donkey, get it to do the job! We’re certain Man U would do just as well … or badly. However, we don’t want to worry you just before Christmas so we have come up with an answer of our own.

Andy Murray and Tiger Woods

A tea cosy at the Fork & Mustard Café, Falkirk — Fork & Mustard tea cosyt

The world’s New Year resolution for 2019 should be to completely eradicate all professional sport … simple! It only brings out the worst in folk and we think the world would be a much happier place without any of it. Precisely nothing would be lost. Except maybe the Andy Murrays and Tiger Woods with their entourages of physiotherapists, doctors, dietitians and psychiatrists. But that’s not really sport, it’s cheating! Tennis, golf and the like would still be played, still be televised and be even more exciting. Anyway, you will no doubt be delighted to hear that that’s our pre-Christmas rant over.

Tasmanian waiters at the Fork & Mustard

While we were pondering which ridiculous high paid job Jose would end up in next we arrived here, at the Fork & Mustard. In keeping with the ever changing face of Falkirk, up until a year ago this place was called Shy Violet. The lady who welcomed us had one of those super bubbly personalities you immediately warm to. When we asked how she came by the name ‘Fork & Mustard’ we got a fairly lengthy tale about an Italian waiter in Tasmania who kept misunderstanding what was being said to him. He thought he was being asked for a ‘fork and mustard’ whereas they were actually saying unkind things involving sweary words that we couldn’t possibly repeat here. Suffice to say this Fork & Mustard is unique. The only one in the world.

Sweetness

They have the modern necessity, a vegan and gluten free menu. We actually have some sympathy with the guy who killed the cow because it was eating the vegan’s food. Most things are made on the premises. Some from hand me down family recipes “just like granny used to make.” How would granny’s scones be? When Pat’s tea came it was in a rather novel glass teapot that automatically drained and filtered the tea leaves when it was placed on top of the cup. And we thought we had seen everything! Our scone was very good, packed with fruit but we felt that granny had put in a little bit too much sugar for our taste. No topscone but we enjoyed this place very much. It had a great atmosphere, created entirely by the super helpful staff. We will be back.

Open goals

Another thing we are confused about. How does the Labour party manage to make such a mess of opposition? The Tories have given them sooo many open goals. Okay, no one has any idea what they stand for. And, of course, they have shot themselves in the foot so often they should be referred to a self-harming clinic. But apart from that? It’s very confusing! In Tasmania they would probably refer to Corbyn as a useless ‘fork & mustard’.

Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year to all our readers.

FK1 1HX tel: 01324 637 374 The Fork and Mustard

Ordinary, Scones

1884 Bo’ness

14 December 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 7 Comments

Today we are at 1884 Bo’ness. Readers will be aware that from time to time, we go to the cinema. More often than not we go to the Hippodrome in Bo’ness, Scotland’s oldest picture palace. And, more often than not, we go in the morning, just because we can! We are not quite sure why, because on the face of it it is a perfectly normal thing to do, but it still seems vaguely sinful. It’s not so much going in, it’s coming out when it’s not even lunchtime!

Anyway, us sinners went to see Mike Leigh’s Peterloo today and we had no worries about coming out before lunch. At two and a half hours, it’s something of an epic. It’s all about democracy in 1819 and the British government’s attempts to drown it at birth. They did not want common folk getting ideas above their station like the dastardly French. Four years earlier us Brits had given Napoleon a jolly good thrashing at the Battle of Waterloo and, sadly, our ruling classes looked on the Peterloo Massacre of its own people in a similarly triumphant light. This was amply illustrated by the fact that it actually took place at Petersfield in Manchester but was adapted to Peterloo as a warning to other potential upstarts.

Democracy

Anyway the take home message of the film was that we’ve not come very far in the intervening centuries. The UK is still the least democratic of all European states and, of course, democracy has yet to be discovered in Scotland.

After almost three hours of fairly intense viewing however, sustenance was definitely required. Just a short distance from the cinema we came across 1884 Bo’ness, a new café /restaurant. It had only opened a few weeks previously. The rather ancient looking exterior belies its nice modern welcoming interior. It does everything you would expect of a ‘kitchen grille’ but, of course, scones were the main attraction for us. When we asked why it was called ‘1884’, we were told it was because it was carved in stone on the outside of the building. It’s construction date. As good a reason as any and for brother and sister owners, David and Kirstie Stein it’s become rather habit forming. They also run very successful businesses, 1807 in Linlithgow and 1912 in Bathgate.

We decided on a fruit scone and opted for their offer of it being toasted. It was wonderfully warm when it arrived and came with plenty prepackaged jam, butter and whipped cream. It would have been nicer to have had a dish of jam, a pat of butter and some clotted cream but that wasn’t to be. Sadly, no topscone but we enjoyed everything about 1884 Bo’ness and would certainly return on our next cinema visit.

1884 and all that

While this building was being constructed in 1884 there were other things happening elsewhere.

Here in Scotland, in scenes that must have been reminiscent of Peterloo, Royal Marines and police arrived in naval vessels at the tiny village of Uig on the Isle of Skye to help a landowner evict crofters from his Kilmuir estate.
Otto von Bismarck declared South Africa a German colony.
In the US, Alaska became a US territory and on Coney Island the first roller coaster went into action with a thrilling top speed of 6mph.
Batchelor, Grover Cleveland became President of America in spite of admitting to fathering a child in his youth. It gave rise to the chant used against him “Ma, Ma, where‘s my Pa? Gone to the White House, Ha, Ha, Ha!”.
John Harvey Kellogg, patented “flaked cereal” (cornflakes) which he intended as a ‘healthy, ready-to-eat anti-masturbatory morning meal’!
In France the Statue of Liberty was presented to the US and Claude Monet painted “La Corniche near Monaco.”
In the UK, Greenwich was accepted as the universal time meridian of longitude though France refused to accept it for another thirty years.
The Gaelic Athletic Association was founded in Ireland

Cornflakes

From this list we can reasonably deduce that the world has always been slightly mad. Though perhaps not quite as mad as it is today. The EU has sent Theresa May packing. Her attempts to bring about an acceptable Brexit deal seem almost as futile as Kellog’s ambitions for his breakfast cereal.

Wall decoration in the form of a cows skull at 1884 Kitchen and Grill, Boness — wall decoration at 1884

EH51 0EA tel: 01506 829946 1884 Kitchen and Grill FB

english, Scones, Top

Orange Pekoe – Revisited

12 December 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

The last time we reviewed a scone at Orange Pekoe the mighty David Cameron was in power. He had just bored a small child half to death with one of his storytelling photo opportunities. It was only a month to go before the EU referendum he had called to resolve all his political problems. Oh, if he had just waited for the result, what a story he could have told then! Except he mysteriously vanished and hasn’t been seen since?

Plonkers

We have come to the conclusion that the subsidies that schools like Eton, Harrow and Westminster enjoy should be withdrawn. They are supposed to produce fine upstanding leaders to rule over us and set an example to us ordinary folk who cannot afford such an elite education. Their primary purpose, of course, is to maintain the system whereby the country’s wealth is retained by them. In recent years, or perhaps always, they have failed completely in this relatively simply task. Instead they have produced a long line of plonkers. Plonkers or not, credit where credit’s due, they have managed to retain their wealth. Stop the privileges for the privileged we say! Radical or what?

Anyway, enough of that. London is awash with eating places. Sometimes, however, in such cosmopolitan surroundings, a simple scone can be surprisingly difficult to find. As you know we have reviewed upmarket Claridge’s and top of the range Connaught but our favourite remains this tiny tea house in Barnes. It’s friendly and informal atmosphere is very reassuring. It’s always nice to be greeted with “just the usual” when you walk in after not having been near the place for months. Naturally it serves wonderful food and, of course, a wide range of teas. We come here a lot for breakfast but, since the last review was three years ago, we thought we should check the scones again on your behalf.

There was no need to worry our fruit scone came just as it had the last time, deliciously warm and with lots of everything to go with it. Ten out of ten for consistency and absolutely no problem awarding a topscone.

Panto

Orange Pekoe revisited means we are just a short hop up the Thames from the Palace of Westminster and coming up to Christmas it’s panto time again. Never mind Aladdin and Cinderella though the best pantomime this year is definitely here at Westminster … “will she, won’t she?”, “they’re behind you”! Our politics is all happening in typically chaotic pantomime fashion, only with none of the humour! No matter what the result is of tonight’s vote of no confidence in Theresa May, the Brexit pantomime looks set to continue indefinitely. Thank you Orange Pekoe for providing a strong and stable oasis of calm.

SW13 0PX tel: 020 88766070 www.orangepekoeteas.com

Ordinary, Scones

Jamesfield Farm

5 December 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 5 Comments

Jamesfield Farm is not in a part of the country we visit often. It’s not often we drive along the the south side of the river Tay, however, today is an exception. We ended up here at Elcho Castle but it was shut for the winter!

External view of Elcho Castle — Elcho Castle, built in 1560 as the family seat of the Wemyss family

No worries, Elcho is not the main reason we are here. Acting on a tip-off from our Trossachs correspondents, we were actually looking for a very rare K3 telephone box. One of only two left in the UK and the other one is in a museum.

Rarities in Rhynd

Apologies but scone purists will simply have to bear with us. Since we seem to have acquired a fair number of scone/telephone box enthusiasts, we feel we have to try and cater to everyone. Fear not, we will get to the scones! Just up the road from the castle we found our K3 outside the old post office house in the tiny hamlet of Rhynd. Not only was the box open, it was in perfect working order!

wide and close up view of K3 telephone box at Rhynd — This K3 has a preservation order and is one of only two left in the UK

This was probably more to do with the preservation order it enjoys rather than the need for functioning public telecommunications in Rhynd. All K3s were made of concrete with teak doors and like the K1 and the K5 were painted cream with red windows. Rather oddly the K3 was introduced in 1929 … after the K4?? The K2 was deemed too expensive to install outside of London so this little box may have been one of the first in Scotland. If you are looking for a K3, however, and can’t make it to Rhynd your best bet is probably to take a holiday in Portugal where they are still fairly numerous.

Ducks and geese

Anyway, all this excitement, rather predictably, created hunger pangs that simply couldn’t be ignored. Not far from Rhynd we came across Jamesfield Farm Shop and Restaurant which prides itself on having been organic for the past thirty years. Some of these farm shops seem to be housed in fairly industrial looking buildings and this one is no exception. In the title picture the restaurant is located in the distance behind the roosters.

View from the Jamesfield Farm restaurant near Perth — View looking north from the restaurant

On the plus side, the grounds have been landscaped quite nicely with several ponds for ducks and geese. The restaurant itself is big and rather utilitarian but they did have a good range of scones and the service was very friendly and welcoming.

Since we were having some lunch as well we eventually decided on one of their large cherry scones to share. Jamesfield is a great example of a family owned farming business that has had to diversify to survive. With their restaurant, shop and garden centre, they do it very well. What effect withdrawal from the EU’s Common Agricultural Policy will have on farming remains to be seen but we suspect that it won’t be for the better. Given our government’s constant carping about the cost of the CAP, they are hardly likely to be more generous once it’s gone. If scones are anything to go by, however, Jamesfield will do okay no matter what happens. As well as producing lots of fruit and vegetables they do all their own baking. Although our cherry scone wasn’t a topscone, it was very enjoyable nevertheless.

Soap operas

Never thought we would see the day that ‘Live in Parliament’ would threaten to overtake Coronation Street’s viewing figures. It is fast becoming debatable which is the most riveting soap.

External view of the entrance to the Jamesfield Farm restaurant near Perth — Entrance to the shop and restaurant

The government defeated three times within an hour and held in contempt for the first time in history. Wow, and, like Coronation Street, this is real life! Simultaneously, Theresa May maintains her mantra. The answer to every single question of the past two months “I alone know what is best for everyone”. When she explicitly says that she knows what is best for the people of Scotland she doesn’t seem to have any inkling of how insulting that is. The country that voted overwhelmingly to not do what she wants to do. Thank goodness for Dominic Grieve who has perhaps made it possible to rest power away from the May dictatorship. If we weren’t so irritatingly polite in this country we would have a gilet jaune movement too.

KY14 6EW tel: 01738 850498 Jamesfield Farm Restaurant

Scones, history and a dollop of politics

Monthly Archives: December 2018