The Scotsman Grand Café

26 October 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

We had popped in here, to what used to be the offices of the Scotsman newspaper, on a previous occasion. Impressed with the gracious surroundings and the helpfulness of the staff we vowed to visit again. The Grand Café is their restaurant area and they do a mini afternoon tea for mini people and it just so happened that today we had such a mini person accompanying us. So after phoning to book two cream teas and a mini afternoon tea we jumped on the train to Edinburgh full of excited anticipation. When we arrived they checked our booking and read it back to us … excellent! What could go wrong?

Where are the cream teas?

Then a waiter arrived at our table to find out what we wanted?? We repeated our order then he asked if we would like a gin drink or champagne with it. Unexpected but because we were in a happy mood we thought we would have the champagne. It arrived fairly promptly and then we waited .. and waited …… and waited. After watching people who came in well after us tucking into large lunches we had to ask what had happened to ours and were assured that it was being prepared. Eh, it’s a couple of scones and some jam!! Anyway, eventually they came with a mini afternoon tea and afternoon tea for two?? What happened to our cream teas?

Waiting area at the toilets at the Grand Café, Scotsman Hotel, Edinburgh — Waiting area at the toilets

Sounds of gun fire

The boss lady was summoned and she said that we had champagne so we had to have afternoon tea … arrgghh! We told her that we had given the same order umpteen times and that the waiter had then asked us if we wanted champagne. To which we gave the obvious if somewhat predictable answer. Obviously something had been lost in the eastern european translation. The afternoon teas, which had taken so long to prepare, were whisked away and replaced, shortly thereafter, by our two cream teas accompanied with profuse apologies. We thought we heard the slightly muffled sound of a waiter being shot but luckily he soon reappeared.

More please

All this was extremely disappointing because we had had high hopes for this place and the prolonged wait would have seemed even longer had we not had a mini person to amuse us. There was a plain and a fruit scone with each cream tea and they were quite big which meant that there was only enough jam for one … we had to ask for more. To make matters even worse the scones were delicious … what a dilemma! If it hadn’t been for the veritable catalogue of mistakes they would easily have merited a topscone but sadly not on this occasion.

To top it all off, when the bill arrived, although they had kindly given us a substantial discount they still got it wrong, they had overcharged! If this all this sounds like a complete disaster, it wasn’t … we did in fact have a very enjoyable afternoon but that was largely due to a five year old’s funny observations. The Grand Café is a beautiful place with its marbled halls and chandeliers. They certainly knew how to build newspaper offices back in 1905 when the Scotsman produced its first edition. Apparently we were sitting in what used to be the editorial section.

Left hand, right hand

As social media takes over from traditional print the newspaper industry everywhere is seeing plummeting circulation figures and the Scotsman is no exception. It is currently up for sale. The only newspaper with expanding circulation in Scotland is the National, the only one that supports independence. Anyway, we’re sure that we just had an unlucky experience at the Grand Café. The left hand simply didn’t seem to know what the right hand was doing. A bit like the Conservative party’s handling of Brexit.EH1 1TR tel: 0131 622 2999 Grand Café

ps our Middle East correspondent has sent in a report from Ireland. We know it’s not in the middle east but he gets around. This time he has unearthed an albino K6 in County Wicklow in Eire.

K6 telephone box outside Jonny Fox's piub in County Wicklow, Eire — Johnny Fox’s pub … K6 on far right

Made in Kirkintilloch, the fact that it is outside Johnny Fox’s pub, world famous for its Hooley Night is entirely coincidental.

Ordinary, Scones, self-service

M&S Foodhall Café

19 October 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 3 Comments

There is something vaguely sinful about going to the cinema at 10.30 in the morning. Doubly so on a lovely sunny day like this. It just seems wrong. Worth it though because we saw A Star Is Born starring Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. When our 14 year old great-niece was over here on holiday we used to call her the ‘small weird Canadian’. Her two greatest heros, at that time, were Mary Queen of Scots and Lady Gaga! We always understood the Mary bit but now we understand the Gaga bit as well. Gaga was absolutely superb in a role that almost seemed tailor-made for her. Maybe it was. The ending is sad but as everyone filed out in silence recovery was fairly rapid as we suddenly remembered it was still only lunchtime and we were a bit peckish.

Not just any scones

Rather than go to the rather sterile café area in the multiplex cinema we went outside and ended up here in the M&S Foodhall Café. We needed to get some stuff anyway. We’ve reviewed M&S before, when they had their large clothing store on Falkirk high street, but that has gone now. This place is now the only presence they have in town.

It is ironic that a business built on clothing sales is now largely dependent on foodhalls like this. Just when we get wall to wall cookery programs on TV, the M&S range of ready-meals (just nuke it and stick on the plate) has become ultra successful. They are good mind you. Anyway while we were getting some sandwiches we noticed the scones … “not just any scones … M&S scones” as the sultry-voiced woman on the M&S adverts would say.

Branding

It is all self service and we are not quite sure where the problem lay but the staff were struggling a bit … slightly chaotic behind the counter and lots of uncleared tables. There was no cream with our scones and initially there was no jam either but it turned up eventually. It was branded as ‘British’ like almost everything in M&S these days. Even the haggis and the whisky are emblazoned with the union jacks! It’s as if there is a panic in central government that Scottish independence is looming large yet again and nothing can be labeled ‘Scottish’ in case it further emboldens the natives. Frightened of losing their cash cow, it does of course have the opposite effect.

Doh!

Anyway our scones were fine but the whole experience was certainly not a topscone one. Irony abounds these days e.g. the UK says it hopes to do a trade deal with Singapore once it leaves the EU in a few months. This, as the EU signs a trade deal with Singapore this week … doh! After we leave the EU, how long will it be before someone notices that the biggest market in the world is right on our doorstep and we are not part of it … doh again!

FK1 1LW tel: 01324 406101 M&S Foodhall

Scones, Top

Mason Belles Kitchen

16 October 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 3 Comments

At the end of an alleyway in Linlithgow there is this little plaque, about 15cms in diameter. It’s a depiction of Linlithgow’s town motto – ‘St Michael is Kind to Strangers’. A bit odd, you might think, as a town motto. However, St Michael, in his main role as chief opponent of Satan, seems to have been a general all round good guy. Probably still best known as the patron saint of Marks & Spencers, he was also written about in both the Old and New Testaments, the Hebrew bible and the Quran. And, apparently he still looks after the inhabitants of this town and its strangers to this very day. So that’ll be us then!

Love affair

Would he be kind enough to help us find a decent scone? The alleyway was leading us in a definite direction so perhaps his hand was upon us? Actually, after our recent afternoon tea at One Devonshire, we could have had another here at Mason Belles were it not for the fact that we just walked in off the street without any advanced notice. Not that we could have given them much notice anyway. It’s only a few days since they opened their doors to the public. Formerly called Livingstone’s, one of our favourite restaurants, until it closed a year or so ago. We could just hop on the train for the ten minute ride from Falkirk and voila, we were here! Livingstone’s was also responsible for introducing us to Angus the Bull cabernet sauvignon. An ongoing love affair … but that’s all history.

Now it has been reincarnated by Linsey Scott, a delightful lady with many years experience in some of Scotland’s best restaurants. Mason Belles Kitchen is her first venture on her own. It is set well off the street in a garden area which is usually alive with squirrels, rabbits and birds but today it was quiet. Probably because the animals had more sense than us, coming out in the rain. Inside though, not only was it dry but warm and welcoming as well.

Rather randomly, the first people we met were old work colleagues we hadn’t seen in ages … brill! The girl looking after us had fairly obviously only been in the job for a few days, or maybe even a few hours. She had to go off and seek answers to all our questions but she did it beautifully. Turned out they only had plain scones so that simplified decision making immensely. Our friends ended up with strawberry scones … scones preloaded with cream and slices of fresh strawberry. It wasn’t what they had asked for but, since they looked so nice, they just accepted and enjoyed them nevertheless.

Divine help

We tend to like quite small scones and these fitted the bill perfectly. Small but delicious and accompanied by fabulous blackcurrant jam and a lovely copper pot of cream. The coffee was excellent as well. Another special blend from our favourite coffee company, Henry’s. What more could we ask for? St Michael had indeed been extremely kind, not only finding our long lost friends, but a topscone as well! With divine help like this, Linsey and her team can’t help but flourish.

Interior view of Mason Belles Kitchen, Linlithgow — Part of the dining room

Obviously the main church in town is St Michael’s, where Mary Queen of Scots was christened. It had been around since 1138 as a Catholic church but shortly after the christening it was ransacked by Protestants. They eventually repaired the church and have used it as their own ever since. The Protestant church took their role as guardians of the town’s morality very seriously.

Repeatedly Eurupean

The church had a repentance stool on which transgressors guilty of drunkeness, adultery or whistling would have to sit in full view of the entire congregation. Repeat offenders were chained by the neck at the church door. Oh, those were the days! We are pretty sure that Theresa May would have Michel Barnier sat on the repentance stool for daring to defy the mighty United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Meanwhile Jean Claude Juncker’s neck would be in irons at the door … just for being repeatedly European! Theresa’s now gaining a pitying respect from the public who always like an underdog. As a kind of ‘billy no mates’ … watching her perform is kind of embarrassing. Like sitting by a guillotine of old, where you can’t bear to look but can’t help it either. She needs to get St Michael onside!EH49 7AE 01506 843867 Mason Belles FB

ps: JOGLE friends (John o’Groats to Land’s End) walkers and are nearing the end of their incredible journey. You can follow their adventures at: heatherstevesduncansbyheadtolandsend.wordpress.com

Scones, Top

One Devonshire Gardens

12 October 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

Readers might think that we are getting a wee bit highfalutin coming to places like this. We can only say, however, that it is all done on your behalf, in the name of sconological research. After the John Forrest Bakery experience in Chelsea, where we ended up eating our scones outdoors in a kiddies playpark, it is only reasonable that we explore the other end of the scone spectrum. Isn’t it? Anyway, this is One Devonshire Gardens, officially known by the rather natty little title, Hotel du Vin at One Devonshire Gardens … and it is highfalutin. Does that mean topscones though? We know that’s the question on everyone’s lips. Over the years No 2 and No 3 were added and more recently No 4, so now the hotel takes up the entire terrace.

Kneeling

It’s certainly the place to stay for A-list celebs when they are in Glasgow – from Justin Timberlake to Whitney Houston, you name them they have all stayed. And now we’re here!! We had decided to walk here from the station but had not bargained on the day being so hot. We were extremely glad of a cool sparkling glass of champagne to kick things off. Mind you, can’t remember the last time we were not extremely glad of a glass of champagne.

As we sat there sipping and thinking how wonderful life was, we learned that Pat was sitting in George Clooney’s old seat and I was in Britney Spears‘, wow! No, we just made that up! Our table was low, about coffee table height. It meant our delightful young waiter of mysterious eastern European origin and almost seven feet tall had to kneel to explain everything we were getting with our afternoon tea. It’s slightly odd when your waiter is on his knees but still looking down at you.

Suffice to say that we were starting with savoury on the top tier then working our way down to the cakes at the bottom. The scones, of course, had an entire tier to themselves, as is only right and proper. Back in 2001 when this place belonged to Gordon Ramsay, it had a Michelin star and was called Amaryllis. Well, Michelin star or not, we don’t think the scones would have been any better back then than they were today.

Mon dieu

We had a plain and an apricot and lemon scone each. They were exactly how we like them, warm, crunchy on the outside and light and fluffy in the middle. The only slight problem was getting the tops off the little jars of French, yes French strawberry jam … mon dieu! Everything was fab and, as might be expected in such a place, topscone. All in all it was a lovely relaxing afternoon. There were lots of pictures around the hotel illustrating some profound celebrity quotes. I am not permitted to comment on the one by Rudyard Kipling but the one on the right, by Susan Hill, has been okayed.

11 years

The SNP had their annual conference this week just down the road from One Devonshire. It is astounding that this party is now the second biggest by membership in the UK. It’s also been in power in Scotland for the past eleven years. All this without a single positive word being said about them in any of the media … incredible. Nicola Sturgeon delivered a closing speech which other party leaders could only dream of. One of unity, hope, and kindness. Social media was alive with people wanting to come and live in Scotland. Or even wanting Nicola to go and lead their country. So perhaps there is more than smoothness to some politicians, maybe some are genuinely genuine?

BREAKING NEWS:

Also to be seen was David Cameron, of ill-placed wind turbine fame (oh and leader of the Conservatives) and Roger Highfield of The Telegraph Princess Eugenie, is getting married as we speak and not wearing a veil … mon dieu again!

A picture at Hotel du Vin at One Devonshire Gardens, Glasgow — a large decadent picture in reception

G12 0UX tel: 0141 378 0385 One Devonshire

ps: Our Middle East correspondent has been busy. On a visit to Petah Tikva (the name means Opening of Hope) about six miles north of Tel Aviv he discovered ten K6 telephone boxes on Haim Ozer street.

He tested every one and found them all to be in perfect working order and all from either Falkirk, Kirkintilloch or Glasgow … .

Correspondents

Another correspondent, the Laird, has also been in touch to give us a heads up on several new exciting scone opportunities … watch this space. The Pedant has helpfully corrected some of our regular faux pas. Our Trossachs correspondents have reported on an enjoyable but frustratingly sconeless visit to Romania. We feel truly blessed to have such a dedicated band of globetrotting correspondents. Thanks to all.

Ordinary, Scones

Scottish Storytelling Centre

5 October 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 1 Comment

The few readers who actually pay any attention to these blog posts will be very aware that the person we would most like to invite to one of our dinner parties would be the ‘Master of Life’, Robert Bontine Cunninghame Graham. Indeed, four of our previous posts have come about as a direct result of Graham’s stories: Stuarts of Buckhaven, Liz MacGregor’s Coffee Shop, Brodies of Moffat and The Gallery Café.

Friedrich Engels, Oscar Wilde and Buffalo Bill were among his many friends. One of the finest authors in the English language, Joseph Conrad (who could never be described as having led a dull life) commented on Graham “when I think of you I feel as tho’ I have lived all my life in a dark hole“. Graham died in 1936 but in Argentina he is still regarded as a national hero, affectionately known as Don Roberto. In Scotland, being directly related to King Robert II, he had the best claim to become King of Scotland. Perhaps it is appropriate that we end up here, in the Scottish Storytelling Centre, to hear stories about him.

Important scones

The Cunninghame Graham Society, which is dedicated to promoting his memory, had organised a talk about the great man. Okay, okay, we hear you cry, “but did he like scones?” In all the literature written about Graham we have not come across any reference to scones. However he was a man of exceptionally high intellect and good taste so he would undoubtedly have placed great importance on them.

We had never heard of the Storytelling Centre but when they said it was part of John Knox’s house on the Royal Mile (the white building centre stage in the title photo) we knew exactly where it was. And what a fantastic place it is. A modern complex of exhibition and performance areas dedicated to the art of storytelling and … a café!

What better way to spend our time waiting for the talk to begin than having a scone. Obviously, trying to get a completely fresh scone at seven in the evening is a bit of a tall order however the one we were sharing was not at all bad. Plenty of fruit and quite light in texture. It came with a pot of jam and, the bane of our lives, a pack of Rhodda’s Cornish clotted cream. Perfectly good cream but all the way from Cornwall to this bastion of Scottishness?? Anyway, although it was nowhere near a topscone, we thoroughly enjoyed what we had and would certainly return.

Argentine tango

Although he was in the House of Commons for six years, Cunninghame Graham hated all politicians. He was often asked to withdraw from the House due to his unparliamentary behaviour. Goodness knows what he would make of today’s unprincipled and spineless inhabitants of the Palace of Westminster. He would be enraged that the poverty he fought against so vigorously at Westminster in the 1890s still exists. The necessity of food banks, even for those in work. He would have been heartened, however, that progress has been made towards an independent Scotland. However mystified by the time it is taking. His own stories, whether they be about a couple dancing an Argentine tango in Beunos Aires or a dismal funeral in Scotland, remain as vivid as this large picture hanging in the Centre … ‘A Mile Of Stories’ by Julie Lacome.

A Mile Of Stories by Julie Lacome at the Scottish Storytelling Centre, — Part of an effort to revive the Old Town as a living community. “Heave awa, we’re no deid yet”.

EH1 1SR. tel: 0131 556 9579 Scottish Storytelling Centre

Ordinary, Scones

Bessie’s Café

3 October 2018 billpaterson1@me.com 2 Comments

This morning we went to the Hippodrome cinema in Bo’ness to see C’est la Vie starring Jean-Pierre Bacri. We do this regularly if we can get out of bed in time … life has sooo many pressures! A French film with subtitles, it’s a beautifully crafted and funny story of the backstage shenanigans at a posh chateau wedding. Worth seeing if you get the chance. Afterwards, we ended up on the opposite side of the the river Forth, in Fife, at the picturesque little village of Culross (pronounced kooros) which, oddly enough, is the location for another movie currently under production.

Mrs Halfpint

It’s a zombie film called The Curse of the Buxom Strumpet starring Dame Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen. In the story Dame Judi plays Mrs Halfpint, the local landlady in the town of Upper Trollop, played of course, by none other than Culross itself. In 1713 a deadly disease consumes Upper Trollop turning the inhabitants into monsters. A few redoubtable folk, led by Mrs Halfpint try to escape by ship to France. The premiere won’t be until next year so if we divulge any more we would have to kill you all. Just go see when it comes out.

Suffice to say that Mrs Halfpint may well have been in the employ of the Bessie of Bessie’s Café, or Bessie’s Bar, as it used to be called. The café used to be her malt-house, used in making beer for her pub. And would you Adam ‘n Eve it (been going to London too much) Bessie’s surname was Paterson. You can see from the picture that she was a fine upstanding lass in the best tradition of Paterson women.

We have been here before on several occasions when it was run by the National Trust for Scotland and were never too impressed … normally when we are in the village we go to another café called The Biscuit.

DIY Americano

Bessie’s is under new management however so we thought we should check it out. It had started raining so we were glad to be in out of the wet and delighted to be merrily greeted by the staff who soon had us supplied with a couple of fruit scones. Earlier we had agreed to having them heated so they arrived wonderfully warm and with lots of jam and cream.

They also supplied my Americano as an expresso with a jug of hot water, a sort of DIY kit. Not quite sure of the logic since I just had to pour all the water into the expresso myself. Heyho, different! Pat took one bite and announced a topscone right away. However, she subsequently discovered a small doughy bit in the middle which unfortunately ended up demoting her verdict. Mine was perfect, so think Pat must have got a rogue one … shame. Bessie’s is joined onto the Palace and they do a good range of food so definitely worth a visit if you are in these parts.

External view of Culross Palace, Culross — Culross Palace

Troublesome people

Talk of rogues reminds us that it’s the Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham this week. Boris and Theresa are slugging it out for supremacy. “Fiddling while Rome burns” comes to mind. They should be thankful they are not holding their conference here in the Kingdom of Fife where, if you remember our review of the Clock Tower Café, they had their own ways of dealing with troublesome people.

Now, call us naive if you like but we always thought, not that we have thought about it that much, if you wanted to burn a witch your major expenditure would be a gallon of petrol. Not so. In 1636, just along the coast from here, William Coke and his wife were sentenced to death for witchcraft. Apparently, to help them burn more easily, the normal practice was to clothe them in hemp coats and place them in barrels that had been pre-tarred. For anyone who thinks that this process comes cheap, think again. The expenses were considerable and probably put everyday witch burning out of reach for most people.

10 loads of coal – 3 pounds 6 shillings and 8 pennies,
tar barrel – 7 shillings,
hangman’s rope – 6 shillings,
hemp coats – 3 pounds and 10 shillings,
making the above – 8 shillings,
expenses for judge – 6 shillings,
executioner (for his pains) – 8 pounds and 14 shillings,
executioners expenses – 16 shillings and 4 pennies.

That’s almost £5,000 in today’s money however at that time, the Church and the Council split the costs … nice! Don’t think they would do that nowadays but we would still recommend that Theresa and Boris avoid Fife for the time being. Because there’s always Crowdfunder!

KY12 8JQ tel: 01383 247381 Bessie’s Café FB

Scones, history and a dollop of politics

Monthly Archives: October 2018